Blog Cuss-o-Meter

Around 0% of the pages on your website contain cussing.This is 100% LESS than other websites who took this test.



I stole this from Mr. EE at Backboards and Band-Aids. My Blog-o-Cuss Meter is obviously having technical difficulties. Nothing ever fucking works on this blog.

Happy Easter

Blogger and YouTube have been acting weird lately and I somehow ended up with two Happy Easter posts. So, here's a quiz to replace the duplicate Easter video.

Your Pickup Line Is

Hi will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap hotel room across the street.

The Magical Pick Up Line Generator

Happy Easter

SHORT, BUT FUNNY VIDEO

Boogers

How do you tell a 35 year old man to stop picking his nose?

He is constantly picking his nose. The last time Boogers was in my office to talk about a case, he had his fingers up his nose the entire time. A few months ago, his secretary went to the office manager and asked to be reassigned because she didn't want to touch anything that Boogers gave her. He stopped for a while after that, but now he is back at it full time.

Today was the last straw. The group of attorneys I usually eat lunch with invited Boogers to join us for lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. I didn't find out he was going with us until we were walking out to the parking garage and, by that time, it was too late to back out. Boogers picked his nose during the entire ride to the restaurant.

We get to the restaurant, sit down, and the waiter places a huge basket of tortilla chips and salsa in front of us. Guess who was the first one to stick his boogery hand into the basket of chips? Yuck. How do you get a grown man to stop picking his nose?

The Perfect Shoe?

I'll admit, I'm kinda lazy and will occasionally look for shortcuts when it comes to cleaning. That's why I think I may have found the perfect shoe.

Lottery Fun

Dr. Shroom, I don't speak British, so can you translate this for me and tell me how much I have won in real money (you know, U.S. dollars)? I need to be sure it's enough to live on before I leave the boyfriend and quit my job.

Dear Lucky Winner,
WINNING NOTIFICATION

We happily announce to you the draw of the silver lottery programs held on this month. That your email address as indicated was drawn and attached to ticket number 0086955827499 with serial numbers BTD/0070648302/07 and drew the lucky winning numbers 14-31-30-39-40-47(30), which subsequently won you the lottery in the 5th Category? You have therefore been approved to Claim a total sum of BP 1,000.000{ONE MILLION BRITISH POUNDS STERLING} in cash credited to file REF NO. : BTD/969/08

This is from a total cash prize of GBP £16,000,000(SIXTEEN MILLION BRITISH POUNDS STERLING) shared amongst the first fourteen(14) lucky winners in this category. All participants were selected randomly from Worldwide Web site through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 email addresses of companies and Individuals. This promotion takes place annually.

Please note that you’re lucky winning number fall within our European booklet representative office in Europe As indicated in your play coupon. In view of this, Your GBP £1, 000,000 {ONE MILLION BRITISH POUNDS STERLING) would be released to you by our payment office in Europe. Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him. Your prize award has been insured in your names and ready for claim. To begin your claims therefore, you are advised on final notice and as a matter of urgency, to contact our licensed and accredited Claim agent for Overseas Lottery Winners for the Processing of your prize awards winning and Payment To your designated bank account after all statutory Obligations have been concluded satisfactorily.

You are advised to contact your fiduciary agent with the following details to avoid unnecessary delays and complications:

1.your full names
2.sex
3.your address
4.your country
5.nationality
6.your fax
7.home phone number
8.mobile phone number
9.occupation
10.your age.
11.your batch number
12.your ref:number.
13.your lucky winning number
14.Your bank detail for transfer

Due to mixed up in some numbers and names and for the purpose of confidentiality, be advised to keep this award notification as secret from public notice until your claim has been processed and your prize money remitted to your designated bank account as this is part of precautionary measures to avoid double claim or misuse of this program by some social miscreants. Hence, your prize award winning is confidential as our winners are at liberty to remain completely anonymous until payment is effected. Congratulations once more from all members and staff of this program. Thank you for being part of our promotional lottery program.

I know, everyone gets these, but this one has to be legit. These people want to protect me from the "social miscreants" out there who might want to take advantage of me.

More Timekillers to Avoid Writing

I am actually working on a series of posts, but the way it looks now, I will be finished sometime in 2010. In the meantime, you might want to find out who your celebrity boob twin is.
.

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Jennifer Aniston

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

Aw hell, we might as well name them, too.

Your Boobies' Names Are...

the girls

Boobie Name Generator

The Cat That Came Back From the Dead

When I was growing up, we had a cat named Herman. Herman slept with me every night for as far back as I can remember. He fell ill with some cat disease that would require a lot of money and time at the animal hospital to cure, and there was no guarantee the treatment would work. While we weren’t poor, my parents were trying to raise three kids and spending that much money on Herman wasn’t in the budget.* They made the decision to put Herman to sleep. We said our goodbyes and my mother took him to the vet.

Time went by and, one afternoon, my mother got a phone call from the vet. He told her we could come get Herman, he was all well now. My poor mother didn’t know what was going on, and the vet explained that he knew how much we loved Herman so he had treated him for free. To this day, what that vet did still brings tears to my eyes. **

I have to admit I didn’t go to law school so I could “help people”. Mostly, I just thought being a lawyer would be a good job and the pay would be decent. When I was in law school, I belonged to some organizations that provided pro bono legal services, and I thought I would always be doing some pro bono work for the rest of my career. It’s what I was trained to do, so why wouldn’t I want to help people if I could?

I haven’t done any pro bono work since I passed the bar. I can’t do it during the day because I have to work on my cases and get my “billable” hours in. At the end of a ten hour day, I am tired and hungry and just want to change into shorts and a tee and eat dinner while watching some mindless reality show on television (mindless as in Big Brother, not Project Runway or Top Chef). That’s when we are not preparing for trial; at the end of a 16 hour day, I start stripping when I hit the front door and just fall into bed.

I hate to say it, but I don’t know when, or if, I will ever get to do any pro bono work. I’m just too damn tired.


*How things have changed. They spent $$$$$ on knee surgery for their current dog. My mother slept on an Aero bed on the floor for weeks after the surgery because the dog couldn’t jump on or off a regular bed.

**I have a lot of questions about that incident, but they will remain unasked. Knowing my father, I'm sure he must have told my mother to pay the vet when she picked up Herman.

Can you tell I’m still in work mode? Two footnotes on my BLOG post!