Dr. October is . . . MDOD Part Two

911DOC

Q.1 Do I really have to call it the ED? I don’t like the negative connotations ED raises.

A.1 bad habit of which you have just disabused me. i had an attending physician in residency who would nearly pop a blood vessel in his brain if someone called it the "emergency room". his point being that we are really a department and not a 'room'. whatever. most of us who work in the ER suffer from ED. [What a way to kill a fantasy~MA]


Q.2: If MDOD were a boy band, who would be the bad boy? the heartthrob? the gay one? the shy one? the one who can't dance?

A.2 i think ETOTHEIPI, 'cat, and I could compete for the bad boy and heartthrob moniker especially looking at our picture, we are dead sexy no? since erdoc85 is new to the 'band' i will have to reserve judgement. (DRX refused to be in the photo). Oldfart is not so much shy as just grumpy. he's more like eeyore. DRX definitely cannot dance (nor can most of us) and he might come across as shy but that's just his barely concealed anti-social psychosis. none of us can sing or we would have a band and suffer only from hangovers and the clap.

Q.3 We read all the time on the medblogs about what sucks about practicing emergency medicine, tell us what is rewarding about being an emergency medicine physician.

A.3 there is a lot that is rewarding. i do try to write about this stuff when it happens but i guess i have fallen into the trap that traditional newspapers do which is that the good stuff does make me reflect and does give me warm fuzzies but somehow does not spark the writing impulse. the things they tell you in med school that ARE actually good about emergency medicine are the obvious: no beeper, no call, no clinic, and mobility. ironically, many of those things cut both ways. after years doing this the big saves matter a lot, making a difference in an instant IS gratifying, but the thanks from a worried mom or the "hey doc, you don't remember me but you took care of me three months ago..." meeting in the supermarket are just as good.

Shrodinger’s Cat

Q.1 Sorry, but I have to ask. Is the cat dead OR alive or dead AND alive before we open the box to check?

A.1 The CAT, which is me, was and is obviously alive, however it will not be the vial of poison that will kill me; I die slowly inside with every 3:00 am toothache. This is not a paradox, but a sad reality. I will soon be starting a SAVE THE CAT fund, to which all can contribute. All contributions will be matched and multiplied by the Hamiltonian operator.

Q.2 Tell us an embarrassing story about your residency.

A.2 As for me, I visited a friend in another state and after imbibing many screwdrivers, decided it would be a good idea to shave my head. Returning to the ED that next Monday brought many stares and snickers, and the attendings thought I had lost my mind. As for patients, two come to mind. Undressing a 55 year old "normal" appearing gentleman after an MVA only to find a silk victoria's secret thong left a lasting impression. Also, interviewing a crazy lady while she left a steaming pile of shit in the middle of the floor was another time I won't forget, but I wasn't embarrassed. The CAT remained calm and collected throughout residency.

Q.3 Favorite:

Swear word- bullshit or mother-scratcher
Ice cream- chocolate
Vice president-George Clinton because he was a P-funk all star and is no relation to Bill
Love song- Endless Love
State- tie -Arkansas and Utah

Etotheipi

Q.1 OMG –you not only see dead people, you touch dead people, then you cut them up into little pieces. Maybe I'm thinking about something else. What exactly do you do? Describe your typical workday.

A.1 I look through a microscope for about 6 hours a day. This allows me to:
1. avoid human contact; 2. not talk to patients; 3. shun interpersonal interaction.

Basically, I make all the tissue, blood, fluid etc. diagnoses in the hospital, write them down, then go home and turn off my pager. Sometimes I cut up dead people. I love my job.

Q.2: What's your guilty pleasure?

A.2 Masturbating with a Kermit the Frog puppet.

Dr.X

[These are the only questions I know how to ask in Russian--MA]

Q.1 âû õîòèòå êóïèòü ìåí& ïèòüåì? (Do you want to buy me a drink?)

A.1 What is the cost?

Q.2: âû õîòèòå come up ê ìîåé êîìíàòå? (Do you want to come up to my room?)

A.2 Are there any hidden listening devices or cameras there?

Q.3 âîë&, êîòîð âû íîñèòå ýòè scrubs? (Will you wear these scrubs?)

A.3 Da, I mean 'yes', after my food-taster/bodyguard has had a chance to inspect and clean them.

Q.4 òî áûëà ïîòåõà. ìîæåì ìû äåëàåì åãî ñíîâà? (That was fun. Can we do it again?)

A.4 I cannot commit to such a proposal but there is a strong likelihood that we can, at a time and place of my choosing.

Old Fart

Q.1 Old farts usually like to give advice. What is the best piece of advice you can give a young doctor?

A.1 stop now! find a new job...

Q.2 I find it interesting that you love to hunt and that you really wish you were a veterinarian. If you were a vet, after you shot the creature, wouldn’t your first instinct be to run over and see if you could save it?

A.2 I don't generally shoot dogs, horses, etc...

Q.3 Tell us about the good old days. Best changes? Worst changes?

A.3 a) CT Scanners; b) government

erdoc85

Q.1 So, what's the 85 stand for? Wouldn't erdoc69 be more fun?

A.1 '85 is the year I graduated from college. It's also the year I got married, but mostly I celebrate the former. erdoc69 WOULD definitely be more fun, but wouldn't get much done. Besides, when the doc leans close to listen to your heart, wouldn't you rather smell coffee breath than fish-face?

Q.2 Tell us your funniest "foreign object" story.

A.2 Hands down, this was the 82 year old with an antique porcelain door knob up her vagina. She "slipped on some newspapers". She waited 3 months to come and be seen (I'm safe in assuming no one else was paying a visit to "the creepy old dry cave"). I have photos and xrays to illustrate this one (patient name redacted). After I removed the object...she wanted to tell me this object's history! Like I said, it was an antique. >[10/27/07 -- I apologize to the visitor who arrived here by searching for "antique porcelain door knob cleaner". I don't think this is what they had in mind. Well, it is the Internet, so maybe it was. MA]

Q.3 We don't know that much about you. What kind of car do you drive? What color is your hair? Are you a glass half full or half empty kind of guy? How much money is in your wallet right now? Lefty or righty? Favorite fast food? Do you own a hat?

A.3 In order...Chevy Tahoe, brown hair, ONLY half-full (cautious optimist), $150, righty, Whataburger (they are the only 24 hour restaurant on my drive home), lots of hats--all baseball caps though I seldom wear any of them.

Thank you MDOD docs!