Friday, October 05, 2007

A Kernel of Corn ~ The End

I wish I could say that things ended well. The treatments were tough on Nicole. She joked that she thought Elizabeth was going to grow up thinking all mommies came home and took their hair off. Nicole fought a good fight but eventually decided it was time to stop fighting. I was surprised at how many people would criticize that decision. Really, I guess I was surprised that anyone would think they had the right to question her decision.

I said goodbye to Nicole in June. She assured me that she wasn't in pain and she wasn't scared.

I cried silent tears the entire trip home. I know everyone who saw me that day at the airport and on the plane thought I was crazy.

As soon as I got home, I started writing a letter to Elizabeth, telling her everything I could remember about her mother during those college years. I told her every single thing we did, no matter how irrelevant or inconsequential it was. At first, I thought that I would give the letter to Elizabeth when she went away to college, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's something she will want to read when she is thirteen or fourteen. I guess it doesn't matter right now, I still have a few years to decide.

The call came in September. Nicole had died at home, in her own bed, with Mark by her side. Just like she wanted.

I will be carrying a locket with pictures of Nicole and Elizabeth when I am running in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure this month. And Nicole will be looking down laughing at me because she knows how much I hate to run, especially in the morning.

18 comments:

Carver said...

Sad but beautiful story. I am so glad that Nicole was able to live and die on her own terms. I mean that I am glad she could make the decisions that were right for her at the end, given the lousy choices.

It may be hard to know the best time to give Elizabeth what you wrote about her mother. I am certain that whether it's in her younger or older teen years or later, she will be very grateful that you did that for her. I like the idea of Nicole laughing at you as you roll onto the race, bleary eyed in the am. She will no doubt be very close to you as you run.

As ever, Carver

tk said...

Sad and beautiful--I hope you save what you wrote here for Elizabeth as well. You know, MA, you were obviously a good friend to Nicole and still are . . .

And your writing? Well, in just three posts, I feel as if I knew Nicole myself . . . Don't sell yourself short.

Celeste said...

You're an awesome writer. I really loved your last line; it was artful.

I'm sorry that you lost your friend. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing we have to do in our lives.

I'm so glad you blog!

ten out of ten said...

I agree with the above, sad and beautiful is the best description.

Thanks for sharing ATM.

Lynn Price said...

Well written, MBA. It goes to the heart and serves as a reminder at the randomness of life and health. It was hard reading this because it brought back memories of losing my very good friend to lung cancer - a woman with two small kids and who'd never smoked in her life. Like I said, random. Hugs to you.

#1 Dinosaur said...

{{{{hugs}}}}

Medblog Addict said...

Thanks so much. I'm about 99% sure I would have deleted the first post if I had not had yall's support. Thank you for letting me share Nicole with y'all.

jmb said...

I'm so sorry that you have lost such a good friend MBA. You have done her proud, both in what you have written here and what you have written for her daughter. You will know when the time is right to give it to her.

Mauigirl said...

What a beautiful tribute to your friend. And what a good idea to write a letter for Elizabeth to read later on, while all your memories of Nicole are still fresh.

Beverly said...

I am like you at the moment, thinking I cannot put my thoughts down exactly right. You were both very lucky to have each other. I would have loved to have someone write about my father for me. You are kind to do that, maybe you and Elizabeth can be friends when she is older.

DisappearingJohn said...

This was so moving and well written I posted a link to it over at my blog (not that I have a tremendous amount of people to send your way)

I hope you don't mind. It is a very moving piece... Thanks for writing it!

John

Medblog Addict said...

Thanks for stopping by and reading about Nicole--and for your nice comments. They mean a lot to me.

John--Thank you for the link and your support. What do you mean, you don't have a lot of people to send over? I've broken my previous Sunday hit records. Thanks again.

SeaSpray said...

I am so sorry M.A.

This piece was beautifully written from your heart. No doubt her daughter will cherish all that you have written about her Mom and her husband too.

NocturnalRN said...

WOW. And what a great thing for you to write for her daughter. This must be very therapeutic for you as well. Beautiful, sad story. Thanks for sharing. Peace

Anonymous said...

what a touching story. your a very good writer and a great friend and that is a great thing that you worte for her daughter.

neuronurse said...

A beautiful story, It must have been very difficult for you to share, but thank you. Good luck on your run! Enjoy every min of it and all the memories that it will bring.

Jeffrey said...

i cannot help but comment too.
it brought me to the brink of tears, esp when it strikes a chord with things happening in the lives of some friend and family around me.

i echo the above sentiments
sad, beautiful story. fantastic writing.

all e best for the run. complete it for her. :)

TBTAM said...

She sounds like she was a wonderful person, and that knowing her has graced your life. My heart goes out to her family.