Sunday, June 01, 2008

Letter to 911DOC

Dear 911DOC:

As you know, I am your most ardent fan. (I was going to say biggest fan, but I am afraid S.Cat and/or Etotheipi will call me fat.) And don’t tell Dr. X this, but you are my favorite MDOD doc. Right now, I’m sensing you are a little dissatisfied with your current job situation. Okay, a lot dissatisfied. I can tell this because all of your posts are spattered with the words “douchebags” “fucksticks” and “pussies.” Not that there's anything wrong with that. I hate to see you so frustrated, therefore, I have tried to come up with some career alternatives for you.

You’ve mentioned several times on your blog that you want to open a hot dog cart. Well, "wienie man" sounds good and I'm sure it's a nice career, but I just don’t see you making a lot of money at it. I mean, you’re a doctor, you’re going to need something that will allow you to stay current on the payments on your mansion, country home, his and hers Mercedes, yacht, RV, airplane, helicopter, race horses, and whatever else you rich doctors own. (I read the comments on KevinMD; I know you doctors possess all of these things.) After giving it some thought, I came up with a couple of alternatives that you might want to consider:

T-Shirt Guy

If you insist on having the hot dog stand, you should consider selling something else in addition to the dogs. Maybe T-shirts:

ER Valet Parking Mogul

I really got this idea from a comment THW left on my blog. He thinks ER’s need valet parking. I think that is a great idea. You can open up valet parking stands at ER’s all over the country. Maybe franchise it. Of course, I was planning on doing that, but since it’s you, I’ll let you have the idea (for a small percentage of the profits, of course).

Somehow, I don’t really see you trading in your scrubs for a valet parking uniform. Although, hiring hot guys in scrubs as valet parking attendants might not be such a bad idea. (I could take care of the interviews for you, you know, just to help you out.)

“Throw Down” Finger Man

Here’s another alternative. We get your buddy, Etotheipi, to supply us with fingers, toes, etc., whatever he has a surplus of that day. Then you travel all around the country, eating at fine restaurants and “finding” fingers, etc. in your food. I’ll swoop in and represent you, threatening to call Eyewitness News if they don’t hand over a big chunk of change to keep your mouth shut about their finger-licious food. Of course there will be a confidentiality agreement so we won't have to worry about word getting out about the "finger man". There is another benefit to this -- you will probably get to continue to practice emergency medicine. Something tells me things can get ugly quick after seeing someone pull a severed finger out of a bowl of soup.

If Etotheipi wimps out on the body parts, or gets too greedy, we’ll switch to “throw down” roaches. Probably not as profitable, but that just means you’ll have to work a few extra months. I’ll start researching now to figure out how many fingers and/or roaches we will need before we can both retire.

Let me know what you think.

Very truly yours,

Medblog Addict

I changed my font at

Custom TShirt Generator


jmb said...

LOL. I guess your alternative profession, when you get fed up with the law, is career counselling, now that you have graciously given away the ER valet parking franchise.
Lucky I'm retired or I hate to think what you would suggest.

Ian Furst said...

Dear MBA,

Heed the advice friends don't let friends blog drunk (excellent advice btw -- my typos are directly proportional to how many beers I've had). Some thoughts on 911DOC:
Re Option1: DrWes has already cornered the market on med tshirts an may sue for infringement. sorry
Option 2: Good idea, since MD's are going to park the cars they could do drive through labor and delivery assuming malpractice expenses don't kill the business
Option 3: The only real alternative that'll work. Of course gas prices will make it unviable with roaches; fingers are a must.

All good ideas but the blog and drink thing was the best. thanks for the laughs. Ian.

Carver said...

Hilarious post. Thanks for the laugh.

911DOC said...


the finger thing is genius. i'm going to get etotheipi on it immediately. the thing is that any fingers he has have the telltale marks of sharp surgical tools so i'll need to get some pigs to chew on them to make 'em look traumatically amputated and ragged.

thanks for setting me up with the initial idea though.

do you know if, once a pig gets hold of a human body part, if you have to fight it very much to get it back? if so i need small pigs.

Devorrah said...

I think 911 or someone else should write a Best of Medblogs book--it's already written! Just needs a forward, and the royalties could be divided per word. He could use his stuff and yours, and you could both retire early. I'm totally serious: I wrote 8 books with my ex-husband (boring law stuff), and he drives a Ferrari. And a Lotus. And another Ferrari.
And thanks for blogrolling me! Please use the Ninja Bookworm site, and I'll still make appearances with Dr. Frank here and there. I know I confused everybody: I miss my own blog.
I thought I was 911's biggest fan, but you've been fanning longer than me, so okay...

Allison said...


Would a guinea pig work, or is that too small? Now a have a picture in my head of 911Doc fighting with a guinea pig over a severed finger.

make mine trauma said...

You must be careful with guinea pigs as they are often mistaken for gerbils and therefore, you don't know where they've been.

Medblog Addict said...


Amy said...

Too funny.

When I lived in Tucson, one of the hosptials DID have valet parking for the ER. And the rest of the hospital. Sorry that plan is already taken.

pinky said...

May I suggest an alternative? I was watching TV and they were charging a lot for colon cleansing. I suggested to one of the OBs we start our own colon cleansing studio....Bring back the high, hot and hell of a lot. Since CAM is very popular, I think it will be a hit.

On the idea of the hot dog cart, perhaps sell foley/condom catheters from a pushcart outside Fenway park before a game.

Beth said...

During the day, our local ER does have a valet parking service, as does the main entrance to the hospital. It's actually kind of nice, in that case, as if you're going in for a day surgery or something, you might be looking at parking roughly a mile from the front door. This is a problem if, say, you're having knee surgery, or you can barely walk for another reason.

Actually, come to think of it, the hospital that my folks frequent also has valet, so that you can get in instead of worrying about finding a parking space. The hospital where I gave birth, too. (Of course, when you come in in labor at 3 am, you're just getting yourself in the ER valet then!) These are free services, and we don't live in a ritzy area of town, so it's not a "well, the people will expect it" move.