Sunday, January 28, 2007

The Switch to New Blogger

I finally made the switch. Everything seems to be okay. Except certain commenters' names were replaced with "Anonymous". Sorry Seaspray. Seaspray wrote the funny comment on my Throckmorton post and has now become famous in TrenchDoc's comment section. hee hee.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Bat Shit Crazy and a Positive Throckmorton Sign

I wish this post could live up to its title.

I have no medical background, nor an aptitude for science. So it should not come as a complete surprise that after wandering through the medblogs for about six months now, I am still pretty much clueless. I probably still skip over more than I actually read. Nevertheless, I have picked up a few things over the past six months:
1. Batshit crazy. I love this expression and have incorporated it into my everyday vocabulary. I just wish I could use it when I am drafting a pleading to file with the Court:

The Plaintiff is batshit crazy. See Affidavit of Dr. Scrubs attached hereto as Exhibit “A”. For this reason, Defendant requests that the Court grant its Motion to Dismiss.

2. I am getting better at reading x-rays. Okay, let’s just say I can now tell when fingers have been blown off and I am starting to locate the bullets and knives a little quicker. I can also recognize a positive Throckmorton sign. Who knew those things showed up so well on an x-ray? My favorite post on the subject is on MDOD. Even a clueless layperson like me can appreciate that x-ray.

3. Along that same vein, I have also learned some medical slang and acronyms.

I started using these at work, thus making them legal terms:

BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine

DMFNFL - Dumb motherfucker, not fit to live

Goat Rodeo - Emergency scene which goes badly (resembles a bunch of people riding or wrestling goats) [occurs at least twice a day in our offices]

SWAG - Scientific Wild Ass Guess.

This is the reason I will never tell an ER doctor what I do for a living:

Chandelier's Sign - The result of any test or probing after which the patient must be removed from the chandelier.

I just like these because they are funny:

FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way

OB/GYN - Oh Boy! Got You Naked!

Blade - Surgeon: dashing, bold, arrogant and often wrong, but never in doubt

RPVU - Relative Porsche Value Unit: surgical index of potential income from the repair of patient injuries, usually orthopedic in nature. Fractured finger = a windscreen wiper; a fractured hip = new tires, etc.

TTFO - Told To Fuck Off or, when being deposed, "Told to Take Fluids Only".

You medical people are so funny.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

A Six Word Story

I’ve been tagged by Difficult Patient. I have to tell a story. In six words or less. I spent part of my afternoon reading other people's short stories. They were great and DP was especially clever in writing hers. I won't even attempt cleverness. I’ve been sitting on this secret for weeks. Here’s my story:

Medblog lurking afterhours. Steamy. Who knew?

Color Me Green

I am jealous of the Bohemian Road Nurse. And it’s not just because she has a message goat, or that she’s a nurse, or that she knows how to knit. It’s because she can write a good comment. Every medblog I go to, she’s been there already, leaving behind a witty retort, an insightful question, or a practical tip. She’s even been kind enough to leave a comment or two on my little blog.

One of my “work” projects is to read Bohemian’s archives. And I want to leave her a nice, witty comment. So I was just reading one of her posts (oh yeah, I’m also jealous because she’s such an entertaining writer). The post had pictures (yep, jealous), including a picture of drinks from Sonic. So when it came time for me to leave a comment, what was the only thing on my mind?---how much I wanted to go to the Sonic and get me a Cherry Slush. What kind of comment is that? So, I didn't leave a comment. But I will next time. A real good one.

If I find out Bohemian has good hair, too, there is gonna be a catfight. Just kidding. Bohemian-Lou used to be a biker chick. She could kick my ass with one hand tied behind her back.

Addendum: I think maybe a little clarification is needed. This post is supposed to be an expression of my admiration for Bohemian's writing abilities and my frustration at not being able to think of a damn thing to say after reading a great blog. I hope it is taken that way.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Another Day at the Office

The writer’s block continues. Dr. Dino has suggested I let the obnoxious lawyer bitch girl out to play on my blog. I love how that sounds. I am going to write about medblogs tomorrow. But today, here’s a glimpse into my glamorous, exciting work life:

This morning, Bookkeeper comes into work with a little sniffle and a tiny cough...

Partner: Oh BK, you’re sick. You are such a dedicated worker. But you should go home and take care of yourself. Be sure to call us if you need anything.

I drag my ass into work, nose red and running; a deep wet cough...

Partner: You’re late. Where’s that memo (legal research) I asked you for?

Me: Sorry. I took some cold medicine and overslept.

Partner: If you’re sick, stay in your office and keep the door closed.

I don’t know if it will work, but I plan on licking every piece of paper I hand to him today.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Warning: Boring Work Related Post

We have a client who owns a business in a very litigious industry. He has more money than he knows what to do with and isn't afraid to back down from a fight when threatened with legal action. He's also a sexist asshole. And a good buddy of Senior Partner. I try to avoid Mr. Client, but he likes me to work on his cases because I “really know how to write a classy ‘fuck you’ letter”. Before you start thinking conceited, braggart, etc., hear me out. Mr. Client doesn’t attribute these letters to my skills as a lawyer. He thinks I excel at writing these letters because I am a woman, you know, vindictive, mean, spiteful, vengeful, malicious. And he’s not joking when he says it, which is every time he comes into the office.

So, here’s a letter I drafted after you left my office today Mr. C.

Dear Mr. Client:

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.


M. B. Addict

How’s that for classy?

[hmmm...maybe he was right]

Happy Birthday Elvis

(Yes, this is my original post. It's my blog and I can change my mind if I want to. After all, that's what women do, right?)

Friday, January 05, 2007

Wandering Through the Medblog Comment Sections

I don’t know if anyone else does this, but I read all of the comments on all of the medblogs. Even if a particular post is way over my clueless layperson head, I will still check out the comment section. And I will keep going back to read all of the new comments.

I am having a serious case of writer's block (or is it called blogger's block?). Someone said to just "write through it". Easier said than done. Because I can't think of anything original to write, I thought I would just share some of my favorite comments with you.

The first three come from my favorite surgeon (thank you Dr. Schwab).

1. "When a med student, a classmate of mine was on OB, went to the ER to do a “consult.” (yeah, right: blunder around until the resident arrived.) After doing the pelvic, still wedged in, as it were, he decided it was time to remove his wedding ring from where he’d tied it into his scrubs. (What else is there to do, really?) As he was absently untying his pants, he happened to look up at the lady who, horrified, was trying to scoot out of the stirrups and scuttle away. Bad call." (this one made Diet Coke come out of my nose when I read it)

2. "I realize it's not exactly the gist of your post, but this puts me in mind of a (hopefully true) story one of my fellow military docs told me (for only in the military might you conceivably try such a thing).

In doing prostate exams, the story goes, this doc would have the patient lean forward onto the exam table, and insert his finger while standing. For certain selected patients, he'd have a medic hidden behind a screen. He'd place his left hand on the patient's left shoulder, insert his right index finger in the anus, and then the medic, who'd have slipped quietly into the room, would place HIS right hand on the patient's right shoulder...."

3. Dr. Schwab’s thoughts on the spray on condom—
"I'd read about the spray-on, too. Tried to imagine the process, who'd be in charge, whether the act would be, uh, deflating in any way and if so, how, uh, forgiving would the substance be during reinvigoration."

4. A comment made by Dr. Dork after reading one of Dr. Schwab’s comments re: brb per rectum — "Damn surgeons and their rectums..."

(I am very glad Dr. Dork is back. And I'm also rather impressed with myself that I knew what brb was without having to look it up.)

5. I can’t remember where I read this, but it made me giggle. Butt pus. Heh.

"I too am a medical student and while talking to the head trauma surgeon, he somehow got on the subject of butt pus and I endured about 20 minutes of the most vividly colored stories I had ever heard. I'm glad that other people are basking in the glory of butt pus."

I liked that one so much, I almost named this post "Basking in the Glory of Butt Pus".