Amanda Gets Meme’d

As promised, as payback for questioning my womanhood, I am tagging Amanda with every meme that I see. The first meme will be the Eight Things meme that Not Nurse Ratched tagged me with. (I am attending nursing school vicariously through NNR. What's funny is, when the experienced nurses leave advice for NNR, I read every word, just like I am going to need it the next day in class).

I’ve already done this Eight Things meme before, but since I don’t have anything else to write about, I am going to do it again. I’m adding a twist, though. I can’t recall where I first saw this, but one of the eight things listed is false. Which one?

1. I am in love with two men.

2. I love trashy television shows. I stopped watching/recording shows like Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, ER, etc. because of a lack of time, yet I haven’t missed an episode of Big Brother this summer. I am also watching Rock of Love on VH-1, where slutty girls are competing to be Bret Michaels’ girlfriend. I love Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen and I can’t wait for Project Runway to begin. I have never seen an episode of American Idol, but was almost involved in a lawsuit against the production company, etc. I also watch As the World Turns, but it’s recorded and I’m only on May, so don’t tell me what has been going on. I also watch QVC (shopping channel).

3. In college, I won a drinking contest involving beer and tequila. Afterwards, I immediately puked my guts out in the ladies’ room, my date holding my hair back the whole time. Funny, he said he would call me the next day, but it’s been years and I still haven’t heard from him.

4. In my short career as a lawyer, I have made two people cry in court. The most recent occurrence happening last week. I have mixed feelings about being a lawyer, which may explain why I felt nothing when the man started crying, but I felt sickened when my boss and my fellow associates gave me a hero’s welcome when I returned to the office (two lawyers who were in the courtroom when it happened called my boss to tell him about it). One day I will have to write about how it feels to be the only woman lawyer in a firm of 15 lawyers.

5. I keep an extra suit in my office because (i) I may end up having to go to Court on a day when I am wearing jeans; and (ii) no matter how careful I am, I am always dropping food down the front of my shirt, dress, etc. and may need to change clothes. Which leads me to this next thing: I hate it when men are talking to me and I see their eyes wander down to my boobs. I immediately look down, thinking they are looking at something I have spilled on my shirt.

6. My five-year old nephew has been to more foreign countries than I have. He always brings me back a souvenir, usually something he likes and won’t let me play with.

7. I have never seen the movie “Gone With the Wind”.

8. I am one of those people who never make up their beds. I live with a man who cannot leave the house with the bed unmade. I have actually seen him make up the bed in a hotel room before we left. That’s just twisted.

Okay, Amanda, get busy. List 8 things about you, one of which is false. I won’t tag anyone else, I will just call for volunteers (and no, leaving a comment does not mean you are volunteering). Let me know if you do the meme, and I will link you. I’m sure my other 14 readers would like to see what you have to say.

Oh yeah, “Amanda Gets Meme’d” will be a regular Monday post. If I can’t find a meme, I will make one up for her (and any volunteers).

Update: Amanda has completed Meme #1. And thanks to Doc's Girl for volunteering. Great job, girls. Volunteers are still being accepted.

Cell Phone Karma

Dr. August is . . . #1 Dinosaur

Dr. Dino was one of the first medbloggers to link to Addicted to Medblogs. A link from Musings of a Dinosaur meant that people might actually start reading what I wrote—and that scared the crap out of me. I sent Dino an e-mail saying I didn’t know whether to say “thank you for the link” or “screw you for ruining my life.” Thus began my blogging relationship with Dino. In the beginning, I would ask Dino’s opinion about one of my posts and Dino would e-mail back with encouragement and praise. Now (at my request) Dino responds by telling me to get over myself and just publish the damn post. Of course, I asked for Dino’s opinion when I first considered doing the Calendar Doc posts.

Here’s our interview:


Q1: Every time I look at your Avatar, I picture you as a cranky old man. Are you a cranky old man?

A1: I'd say yes to two out of three on that one.

Q2: Name three medbloggers that you would want to be stranded on a deserted island with.

A2: I have to pick only three? Now that's tough. I've made a lot of friends since starting this whole blog thing. I'd start with Dr. Dork; I haven't seen him since he dropped out of sight -- er, made his blog invitation only (and won't respond to my request to be invited), so we'd have a lot of catching up to do. Besides, as an Aussie, he talks funny, which would be entertaining. Second, I'd take Lynn Price, because as a Reiki master she could communicate with other Rieki masters regardless of distance and call a boat to come rescue us when we're done chitchatting (and catching up with Dr. Dork.) Finally, I'd invite the Tundra PA, as long as it was the depths of winter. I'm sure she'd enjoy a little break from the frigid tundra, especially if it was a nice deserted island in the Caribbean someplace.

Q3: Tell us how you felt on your first day of that weird class, you know, the one where you learn to cut up dead people. [feel free to revise this if i am being insensitive--MA] [no problem; insensitivity is part of your charm--Dino]

A3: I thought, "Damn, this place smells really bad." Also, cut muscle looks a lot like chicken, so I lost my appetite for chicken, at least until Gross Anatomy was over.

Q4: In one of your posts you wrote:

. . . I gained a passing familiarity with other staples of cable, including my spouse's favorite: Food Network. . . . and the Iron Chefs (both American and Japanese; our favorite pastime is making up and lip-synching our own X-rated commentary on the latter) are now familiar personages to me, as is the format of watching professional cookery in progress. (emphasis added)

Give us an example of that Iron Chef “X-rated commentary.”

A4: Favorite spoof theme ingredient: "Battle....BULL NUTS!" Sample commentary: (twittery Japanese actress): Oh, I can just feel my nipples standing up against this tight silk blouse.

Q5: Where did you go to med school?

A5: University of California, La Brea Medical School.

Q6: I read where medical students get the diseases they are learning about. Tell me about all of the diseases you “experienced” in medical school.

A6: While I was in med school I had appendicitis several times, a few brain tumors, and terminal carpal tunnel syndrome.

Q7: Your father is a lawyer. Did you give any thought to going to law school?

A7: No. Despite what he would tell you, I don't enjoy arguing as much as he does.

Q8: Death row inmates get to choose their last meal before being executed. What would your last meal consist of?

A8: My last meal would be a very rare filet mignon (take the meat to the grill, let it see the flame for a few seconds, then bring it to me); two lobsters (with drawn butter of course), a Caesar salad from California Pizza Kitchen, and one pound of Godiva chocolate (dark, of course.)

Q9: How did you discover the medblogs? What was the first medblog you ever read?

A9: I've been blogging for almost exactly one year, and at this point I can honestly reply that -- for the life of me -- I can't remember how I got started, much less who I read first. It must be that age-related memory thing. [I think Dr. Dino is purposely avoiding answering this question, which can only mean one thing: Dino was Googling porn and ended up at Fingers and Tubes in Every Orifice! MA]

Q10: Obviously, from your picture, you prefer blue scrubs. Are you hiding any tattoos or piercings under those scrubs?

A10: Who wants to know? And if I show mine, will they show me theirs?

Q11: You seem to have a habit of taking new bloggers under your wing. Am I the only blogger who still e-mails you on a regular basis asking for your opinion on a post that I am about to publish, or asking you if something I've written is offensive?

A11: I don't know about taking new bloggers under my wing (pterodactyl wings are pretty flimsy; not much room) but there are several bloggers I'm friends with and email with regularly "off the blogs."

Q12: Speaking of my insecurities. Why am I so insecure with my blogging? And what is this thing on my arm? Is this skin cancer? Why does my leg hurt when I do this? Does this look swollen to you? I burp a lot, why is that? Assuming dinosaurs party, are you inundated with health related questions when people find out that you are a physician? Do you ever hesitate telling people what you do for a living?

A12: I haven't a clue; a spider bite; not yet; because it doesn't bend that way; yes; because you talk too much; we do; yes; no.

Q13: It might surprise my readers to learn that you talk like a sailor. Where did you learn to swear like that?

A13: How the #$%^$#@ do you expect me to answer that #$%&%$@# question!

Photo: Dino at work (no matter how much I begged, Dino refused to take off the scrub top--my guess is tattoos, lots and lots of tattoos).

Photo credit: Google images (that's all the info I have)

Calendar Doc Update and Hint

Finally, Dr. August will be revealed tomorrow. Hint: This blog author accused me and another blogger of causing damage to a certain piece of personal property, and then insisted that we pay for its replacement.

I've been thinking about doing a special edition Nurses calendar and maybe a Medstudents calendar for end of the year posts. What do you think? Too much calendar stuff? It's not like I am trying to avoid coming up with new ideas for posts, or anything. Well, maybe I am, but I've got nothin' else to write about, unless you want to hear me whine about work.

Okay, time for me to start gathering up my courage to e-mail Dr. September. Gees, I hope he doesn't bite.

Miscellaneous Blog Matters

I haven’t had much time to take care of blog matters lately, so this post is dedicated to blog housekeeping. Well, mostly it’s just me patting myself on the back.

Thank You Notes

I’m a little late with these thank you notes.

After about nine months of blogging, I finally received one of those blogging awards. Amanda at Its All About the Walls awarded me the Rockin' Girl Blogger award and SeaSpray at It’s a Wonderful Life awarded me the Rockin Blogger Award. Thank you ladies. Seasprout is so sweet and she wrote some really nice things about me. Amanda, well, she just questioned whether I was really a woman. That’s okay, Amanda, I don’t hold grudges. Just be prepared to be tagged with every meme I come across during my travels through the blogosphere.

And thanks to Patient Anonymous and Dr. Dino for awarding me the Schmooze Award. Receiving this award was really a pleasant surprise. I didn't think that lurkers were eligible to be schmoozers. If not for Dr. Dino, I would only have 5 readers instead of my current readership of 15. PA has been around from almost the beginning and leaves funny comments whenever she drops by. Thank you both.

My Blog is Unusual

Since I am singing my own praises tonight, I’ll go ahead and tell y’all about how ATM was linked by Readers and Writers Blog, a blog described as “a nonprofit website intended to give writers a place to publish their work at no cost and readers a chance to read that work and, if they choose, to comment on it. We also seek out well-written sites and post them on our blogroll” (emphasis added).

Now don’t go getting all excited for me. ATM wasn’t added to the blogroll, it was just linked because the blog author thought it was unusual:

By the way, one of the more unusual sites I found on the Bohemian road nurse’s blogroll was Addicted to Medblogs, whose author describes herself as “a bored attorney who spends too much time reading (medical blogs) at work.”

I certainly can’t argue with that. Thank you for the mention.

Blog That Made Me Laugh Out Loud At Work

To be honest, I never paid much attention to the pharmacist behind the counter, but now I feel kind of funny each time I walk by. I’ll warn you now, if you are sensitive or lack a sense of humor, avoid FastFoodPharmacy. It has become my “go to” medblog when I get tired of my own bitching and want to read someone else’s bitching. And I mean that in the nicest way.

Calendar Doc Update

I promise it will be up next week. I just haven't had time to work on it much lately.

As always, thank y'all for stopping by.

Note to JMB: I didn't delete this one on purpose. I tried to get technical and put those Rockin Blogger pics in the post but it came out all wrong. So you didn't really miss anything. I'm just not as good as you and Carver are at fancy picture posting.

Delay of Dr. August

Don't blame me for the delay this time. Dr. August had a sudden case of shyness during the photo shoot and refused to be photographed half nekked. We finally rounded up a pair of scrubs, and it turns out, Dr. August looks a whole lot cuter wearing the scrubs. I think y'all will agree with me when you see the picture.

Still Here

Still here, but working way too much. I did find time to stock up on some more lawyer jokes.

Yes, there will be a Dr. August, but not until the middle of the month. The hardest part about doing the calendar is getting the courage to send that first e-mail. I know, I know -- doctors don’t bite (although, sometimes I’m not too sure about those ER docs). And no, that’s not an official hint.

Crossing the Line (or you're not getting my Diet Coke)

Study: Diet soda linked to heart risks.

Dammit. You medical types have gone too far now. It took me years to develop a taste for those sweet, delicious, thirst-quenching chemicals. What am I supposed to do now? Drink water? Yeah, right, like that's really going to happen.

Why Are You Making Me Google Hair Apposition Technique? -- Part I

I’ve said it before, I am a comment reader. I read the comment section on every post on every medblog that I visit. There are some funny comments out there, e.g., Shadowfax explaining on Surgeonsblog why he isn’t a surgeon: “But somewhere around Hour 8, I realized that I just did not have the requisite attention span to do this type of thing. I actually caught myself thinking "Fuck it. Let's just close her up and see if she lives." And I knew that surgery was not going to be for me.”

But I’ve been a little disappointed and frustrated lately because y’all have left me hanging on a couple of medblogs. Not enough comments or discussion. I know, I should be grateful that y’all let a nosy layperson like me get a glimpse into your world. I understand you are busy. But you’ve spoiled me. And it's not like I became a medblog addict on my own. You lured me into your world and got me hooked.

Here is an example of what is causing my frustration. On her blog, Dr. Smak sent this question out:

. . . I got an ER report this week of a child with a scalp laceration that was repaired by braiding the hair over it to close the wound. Discharge instructions were "Remove braid in one week."

Is this legit? Is this a bladeless suturing technique that I'm too ignorant to know of? Or are they making this up?

Dr. Smak got two responses that said yes, this is legitimate technique known as hair apposition technique (“HAT”).

Okay, that might be enough for you medical types but I need more. There were no anecdotes or practical advice. There was no discussion on whether anyone actually does this. No one commented on whether this is a viable alternative to stitches or staples or glue. Would this mean you wouldn’t have to shave my head? Does it hurt more or less than the alternatives? What if you don’t braid but someone asked you to. Would you fix the rest of my hair to go with my new braided look? (I'm also curious about the "bladeless" thing, but I'll let that pass as something technical that I wouldn't understand.)

See what I mean? All of these unanswered questions. Y'all need to comment more on each other's blogs (okay, I realize that sounds funny coming from a notorious lurker, but I'm not medical so I have an excuse.) I know I'm asking a lot, but wouldn't you sleep better knowing that your readers got their medical information from you, rather than some quack they Googled up?

Also, when the doctors don't comment, I immediately wonder why and jump to the conclusion that there is some deep, dark reason behind it. Which brings me to Part II (to be posted later this week). I am wondering whether doctors chose not to respond to a question on a resident's blog because of the subject matter, or if they just didn't find it interesting.

(Yes, I realize y'all have lives and I need to get one too, but your medblogs are so informative and entertaining. Right now, my immediate goal is to fight the urge to go to Charity Doc's blog and leave a comment telling him to get off his lazy ass and start blogging again.)

July's Calendar Doc is Dr. Schwab

Dr. Schwab was the first person to read Addicted To Medblogs so he is special to me. But he scared me back then. He still scares me. I've read Dr. Schwab's book* and every single one of the posts on Surgeonsblog, but I still had difficulty coming up with interview questions. I finally threw these questions together and hoped that Dr. Schwab would make them entertaining. And he did.


Q1. What are your some of your favorite blogs to visit?

I'm more likely to be found reading political blogs than medical ones: Huffington Post, Andrew Sullivan, Crooks and Liars. Pharyngula, which still has the occasional really interesting biology/evolution post. Bunch of online newspapers, magazines. I'm a total political junkie, which is causing my ruin. There are lots of medical blogs I read, most of them less than daily; but regularly. I'd say my current blogroll is representative, if not comprehensive.

Q2. What is your favorite post from Surgeonsblog? Your least favorite post?

To answer that, I'd have to scroll through the whole list and do some thinking. If I liked convoluted thought and make-work I'd have been a lawyer... OK, I liked the series about deconstructing an operation, and the one post about the liver. One of the posts I did on anesthesiologists was pretty lame. Bad, actually.

Q3.  Have any of your patients asked you to pray with them before surgery?

Patients have asked me to pray. I've bowed my head and shut up.

Q4. Tell us your favorite dirty joke.

For decades in a little park in the middle of town, two statues stood across from each other: a male and a female in the classic style, barely clothed, beautiful. One day an angel appeared and spoke to them: "You've brought beauty and joy to the people for many years. Now I'll grant you life for four hours as a reward." As they felt their bodies become warm and pliant, they gazed at each other, stepped off their pedestals, moved eagerly across the square with years of pent-up desire pushing them forward; embraced, and disappeared into the underbrush, from which, for the next hours, were heard grunts and groans and the sounds of deep joy. Finally they emerged, spent, and happy, holding hands. The man looked at the woman and said, "I think we have a little more time. Want to do it again?" "Sure," the woman said. "But this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it.

Q5. Any tattoos or piercings?

Scars. A plate and six screws. No tats. I've thought about getting a heart on my shoulder, with the words "Your name here" or "wife."

Q6. This was asked in your comment section a while back, but you never posted a response. Care to answer it now?

“I have never had a doctor do a breast exam while erect. Does it matter? Is it something only surgeons do?”
Some of my patients are very beautiful. Oh, I see what you mean. It referred to the fact that I do breast exams while the woman is lying down, and also sitting up. "Erect and recumbent," is how I'd dictate it. Before you, no one thought it was dirty. But yeah: I think surgeons do better breast exams than other docs. And no, it's not hard. [Just so we're clear on this, I am not the one who asked that question in Dr. Schwab's comment section. But I have to admit I'm the Anonymous who left the comment saying that I thought it was one of the funniest things I had ever read.]
Q7. Sometimes when I read Surgeonsblog, you come across as “Dr. Nice Guy” with your patients. While I’m sure that’s true 99% of the time, I know there has to be a dark side to Dr. Schwab. Tell us about an incident where you regretted your behavior/attitude dealing with a patient.

I'm sure there are some but, at the risk of stretching credulity, they were rare and minor enough that I can't think of any. I'll freely admit, however, that I could be a complete asshole with nurses sometimes. I may have blogged about it, a little. I think I overly-freaked when anything was less than perfect, and at some level saw it as an accusation. The saving grace is that lots of nurses came to me or sent their families when they needed surgery. Still, I wish I'd had the wisdom of my later years in my earlier ones. I could be a jerk, all right.

Q8. You are a writer and a popular medblogger, you must have some groupies. Have you received any “interesting” e-mails? (umm, you know, from anyone else besides me?)

Funny: I went to med school hoping I'd get laid a lot with all those nurses around. I worked days on end at hospitals, meaning nights, too. Can't say it never happened; but not much. Nope, no groupies. Guess I'm not that attractive.

Q9. If you had to give a last minute dinner party for eight, what would be on the menu?

Judy, could you answer this one? No? OK. Last minute is tough. When we've done dinner parties, it's usually a big production: days of planning, going to the Pike Place Market to get fresh stuff. Fish. Maybe butterfly a leg of lamb and grill it. Bernaise. Stuffed artichokes. Fresh blackberry cobbler, vanilla ice cream. Got lots of really good wine at all times, though. If someone dropped in right now, it might be peanut butter, Costco rolls, and a nice Merryvale Profile, '99.

Q10. You and Dr. Dino haven’t been bickering lately. Have y’all called a truce?

Not that I know of. I don't think Dino comes around much anymore. I comment over there now and then. We're sort of alike, actually.

Q11. Did you discuss Flea’s medblog drama with your lawyer brother?

Flea didn't like my book very much. I think surgery is hard for pediatricians to grok. No, I didn't. Should have. He's into multi-billion dollar stuff, though. Heading into a possible 18 month trial, co-counsel with David Boice. He'd probably have said "huh."

Q12. Speaking of lawyers, do you treat them any differently than other patients?

Naw, and I try not to treat doctors/nurses differently, either. Joke about it, maybe, with lawyers. But I can rise above pity. I've had a couple mention, with meaning plastered all over their faces like the final shot in a porno movie, that they do med-mal. Like I'd be impressed or fall all over myself to be nice.

Q13. Ginger or MaryAnn?

Is that a literary reference? I'm a surgeon. I don't read stuff.

Q14. I’ve read that, occasionally, a patient will get amorous while under anesthesia. A “friend” wanted me to ask you this question. What if, right before a patient received her happy drugs, she was thinking about how hot Dr. Gastro looked in his scrubs. Would that have caused her to say/do anything that she might be a little embarrassed about later?

Yes.

Q15. And of course, what color scrubs do you wear?

Boxers.

*Blogger is being a bitch tonight and won't let me add links, but if you like Surgeonsblog, you'll really like Dr. Schwab's book Cutting Remarks.

Photo: Dr. Schwab at work.

Request and Calendar Boy Update

Would the person who found my blog by Googling “how do you write a dirty letter to a sexy man” please bcc me on the letter you end up sending to your sexy man. I can use some new ideas. Thank you.

Calendar boy will be here soon! Well, hopefully before August.

(And I promise, when this latest work project is over and I have more time, I will go back to my medblog addict posts. I will still be writing crap, just a different subject.)

This was way too funny to leave hidden in my comment section (that Dr. Schwab a/k/a reedur can be pretty funny sometimes):

reedur said...

Deer Sexy Man

A loyur told me how to rite this. I lik you a lot. Wen I see yu I'm like your so cool. Yu dont no me butt I hav a rilly gud bode and we cud get it on I hop.

[Offer not valid in Kentucky, some restrictions apply. The preceding should not be construed as an open invitation; offspring issuing from any liason shall be considered sole property of the party of the first part, but implicit financial obligations are not herein or furthermore waived. In case of inability to reach agreement, litigation rather than binding arbitration shall be the avenue of recourse.]

Christmas in July

I'll admit it. This is corny and a way to post without thinking up something new and original. But I really did love reading the responses to the Holiday Meme that went around at Christmas, so I am posting them again. Sadly, I had to remove almost half of the responses because the blog had either shut down or gone private. I would have never thought that Dr. Flea and Barbados Butterfly wouldn't be around in July. And I wasn't completely lazy when preparing this post, I did add a couple of responses that I missed the first time.

Dr. Rob
IslandMedStudent
Dr. Couz
Shadowfax
Dr. Dino
AmbivalentMSILF
Kim at Emergiblog
GruntDoc
Scalpel
Dr.A
Shinga
ThatMedSchoolGuy
Small Town Nurse
Dr. Wes
Stethoscopes and Diapers
Dr. Gwenn
Shrink Rap

Do I Feel Lucky?

Today is being touted as the luckiest day of the century. You're supposed to either get married or buy a lottery ticket. Guess which one I'm going to do.

Do You Really Need a Hint?

Dr. July has been selected. There are still a few unresolved issues regarding interview questions, but negotiations are progressing well and I expect to have the contract signed sometime next week.*


* There’s not really a contract, that’s just my way of saying it ain’t gonna be ready on July 1.

I know, I know. I haven’t posted July’s Calendar Boy yet. I have to work…I have mani/pedis to pay for. I can’t spend all my time looking at half nekkid men. And thanks for the offers to help, Amanda and DP, but I don’t want to impose. I will just suffer through it. I promise, I will work on Calendar Boy this weekend. (Celeste, I hope Santa brings you what you want for Christmas. And thank you! You’ve given me a great idea for a post—even better, it doesn’t require me to write anything new.)

Embarrassing Typo

I thought maybe if I confess this on my anonymous blog, I will get it out of my system and stop cringing every time I think about what I did.

Last night I brought a file home so I could work on a letter that needed to be faxed to the client first thing this morning. The letter that was faxed this morning to our single, extremely handsome Banker Client included the following sentence:

If the panties opposing removal do not respond in a timely manner, . . .

PARTIES. I meant PARTIES.

The “r” and the “n” are not even close to each other on the keyboard. How could I have typed panties? Aw, shit. My face is still red.

(sorry, I lost your comments when I took this post down the first time.)

One Last Shot at Being Bad

Okay, JMB thinks I should keep trying. MonkeyGirl suggests I write about pain. Doc’sGirl says I need to get in touch with my inner pervert. And PA, well, she is just a role model for bad.

So, here it goes. One last shot to get my ratings up.

While grilling the chicken breasts, BF burned his hand and was in great pain. And even though he is a manly man, when he doesn’t feel good, he can be a big pain in the ass. He needed painkillers. Damn! I had taken the last two Advil for my cramps. To avoid strangling BF and to get away from his whining, I volunteered to go to the ER and seek some painkillers for him. Being aware of my scrub fetish, and knowing I was a little likkered up from the sex on the beach, BF said he would seek his own drugs from the ER. Since it was just down the street, BF decided to walk. Twelve hours later, BF called me from the ER and told me I needed to come pick him up. It seems he was afraid to walk home alone because while he was waiting to see the ER doc, he kept hearing stories about some dudes with guns and knives who attacked innocent people who were just walking down the street, minding their own business. Being the kind, considerate GF that I am (and recognizing an opportunity to see men in scrubs), I put on my sluttiest outfit and went to pick up BF.

If at first you don't succeed. . .

Mingle² - Online Dating

I Want to be Dirty Too

I can’t stand it. It’s killing me that ATM is only rated PG. It’s torture. Everyone else's blogs are rated PG-13 and up. I'm tired of being the good girl. I can’t help it if the only time I write about BF is when I’m pissed at him. He may be an old fart trial attorney, but he can be sexy. For example, last night he cut up a chicken with a knife and then tossed the chicken on the grill shotgun style. The chicken breasts and thighs were awesome and he whipped up some ass-kicking BBQ sauce. You can't tell me that a man cooking dinner for a woman isn't sexy. Plus we had sex on the beach.** Twice!

Obviously, posting pictures of half-naked men and writing about butt-pus isn’t enough. I need to write more about body parts. But it’s not going to be easy. When I was writing my post on the positive Throckmorton sign, I couldn’t even bring myself to type the word penis. Instead I chose to link to an X-ray on MDOD and let them explain the implications of a left or right pointing penis.

I guess I can always re-publish the post that I took down last week—-you know, the one about me writing a sexy letter to our client about my PANTIES.



** Sex on the Beach
1 fluid ounce vodka
1/2 fluid ounce melon liqueur
1/2 fluid ounce raspberry flavored liqueur
1 1/2 fluid ounces pineapple juice
1 1/2 fluid ounces cranberry juice

Crap--I want my money back. All those penises and all I got was a lousy PG-13.

Mingle² - Online Dating

ATM is Rated PG

I saw this on Gruntdoc and immediately had to play. I was a little concerned about what my rating would be because I have been known to use the f-word on ATM every once in a while. Okay, I searched--I've used it five times on this blog. And really, one of those fucks belongs to 911 Doc.

Apparently, saying the f-word five times will only get you a PG rating. Whew! What a relief. Now I don't have to worry about losing the under 13 crowd. When you only have 15 readers, you tend to take these things seriously.

This little rating game comes from Mingle2. Anyone else wondering what Gruntdoc was doing on a 100% free online dating site?

Look Fast

Okay, look fast because ATM is rapidly falling.

This morning Addicted to Medblogs was listed as #120 on the list of "The World's Top Blogs on Health and Medicine". When I first saw it, I thought "WTF? They must be trying to sell me something."

After news of the List spread throughout the blogosphere, and the legit medblogs were added, ATM has dropped to #130 [130. Addicted to Medblogs 4 1 9 5 19] . I'll give it another 15 minutes and I'm pretty sure ATM will be off the List forever.

After the riff-raff like ATM is knocked off the List, it will probably be a good source for finding the popular medblogs. But I still think the best place for finding great medblogs is Kim's blogroll on Emergiblog. Big and popular blogs are nice, but those little out-of-the-way medblogs are pretty damn interesting. I love it when I accidently stumble on a great medblog that's kinda off the beaten path. My goal when I first started reading the medblogs was to visit each blog listed on Kim's blogroll. I'd still like to do it, but my job keeps getting in my way.

Oh well, for a few hours, ATM was #120. It was fun while it lasted.

June's Calendar Doc is . . . Trenchy

I thought it was only right that Trenchy should be the first Doctors of the Blogosphere calendar boy. After all, I did steal his idea after he closed his blog. Trenchdoc was one of my favorite medblogs. Trenchy could make me laugh, he could make me cry, he could make me want to knock him on his ass. I'm gonna miss Trenchdoc.

Here is Trenchy's Calendar Boy interview:

Q1. Is your blog gone for good and why did you take it down?

Yes, Trenchdoc is dead forever. We had been considering moving the blog to a different domain anyway, but “someone” complained (that the blog was offensive) to the Mecca administration. We believe it was because I indicated that poor white people tend to be drug seekers.

Q2. Do you plan on having another medblog?

Yes, another blog is in the works… but will be entirely different, something like the “Motley Fool” of medicine… the working titles are www.thebacondiet.com or maybe www.shrinkageisreal.com

Q3. What was your favorite post from Trenchdoc?

Hands down, “Red Velvet Cake”… that kind of crap only happens to people in the trenches.

Q4. What are your favorite blogs to visit?

Addicted to Medblogs, of course. I consider Gruntdoc the quintessential ER blogger and I read Charity Doc and Movin’ Meat nearly everyday. Panda Bear MD may be the best writer of any blog in any category, even better than several professional writers… stupid intern. (I know, he had to say ATM, but I'm leaving it in--Medblog Addict).

Q5. What is the craziest ER story that you never told on your blog?

I shouldn’t even go here… but I did an evaluation for sexual assault on a severely physically handicapped female who complained that she had only consented to sex in a certain area, but that her “friend” (that she met on the Internet) had performed the act in a different area. When I performed the exam, it took me 10 minutes and a 2nd opinion to determine one area from the other myself.

Q6. What color scrubs do you wear?

Navy, light blue and hospital blue-green… and I know you didn’t ask but I wear black underwear, socks and clogs.

Q7. Is there anything that we should know about you that would help us to better understand your writing, some have said they can never tell when you are serious?

The only time I am serious is when I get my ass handed to me. Like when I have to pull the plug on my flippin blog.

Q8. What would you do if you were not in medicine?

Throw away my Zantac… and pick up my duck call.

Q9. What do you do with your free time?

Eat Zantac… Oh and look at myself in the mirror… naked… although I have to be more careful about that since I got a new Lab pup (he’s a chewer).

Q10. What “lessons in life” have you learned being a doctor that others outside the profession may not know about?

That there is no black and white in medicine, nor in life… we are all good and evil and courageous and detestable (like hospital administrators) at any given time.

Q11. What is the best thing about authoring a medical blog?

I liked reading that others felt the same way I did about the sadness that is inevitable in our occupation… and the commentors who would e-mail topless pictures. I liked that A LOT!

Q12. Why did you start blogging, what gave you the idea?

Just a way to vent about the daily struggles in the ER, and what a way to meet chicks, I mean, it is just ridiculous.

Q13. Does threat of malpractice affect how you practice medicine? How?

Yes, I do not make a decision without considering the legal risk and I frequently must weigh my risk against doing what is right.

Q14. Everything in blog-dom is so anonymous, tell us something about you only your best friend would know.

I lied about the topless pics, but I really did almost have Seaspray talked into it.

Q15. Do you have a tattoo or piercing?

Yes, a Kappa Sigma on my left cheek. If I ever do an Iron-man triathlon I’d get that tattoo also.

Photo of Trenchy taken on a Carolina beach, exactly 500 feet away, just like the restraining order required. For a small fee, I will e-mail you a picture of the tat on his left cheek. What?...I just happen to be passing by that window when my finger accidently hit the button on my camera phone.

Real photo credit: Pacific Coast News

June's Blogging Doctor Calendar Boy – Hint

He once wrote:

“I would drive 500 miles for a duck . . . but I wouldn’t drive 50 miles for a relationship.”


Update – Sorry, due to unforeseen circumstances, I could not get to my computer yesterday to post June’s Calendar Boy. It will be up sometime early next week.

Video Wednesday - Monkey With A Death Wish

Don't worry. Everything turns out okay in the end.

Dammit Dr. Schwab

It sure as hell better be temporary!

Okay, to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say. I'm just saying that I hope you're not saying you are retiring Surgeonsblog.

Blog Uncovered in Legal Malpractice Case

From the Legal Briefs section of The Daily News:

Trial will begin next week in the legal malpractice action against non-prominent attorney Medblog Addict. Ms. Addict is accused of attorney negligence. The Plaintiff in the case, I. M. Hertz, alleges Ms. Addict missed several court dates and filing deadlines, and failed to return his phone calls. Colleagues say they became worried about Ms. Addict after watching her giggling, blushing and laughing out loud in Court. The Plaintiff alleges Ms. Addict routinely brought inappropriate material into the courtroom to read while waiting for her cases to be called.

Of particular interest in this case will be the effect that Ms. Addict’s blog has on the jury. A blog is a type of online diary. During her deposition, it was discovered that Ms. Addict maintained a blog called “Addicted to Medblogs”. The blog is now covered under a protective order of the Court and is no longer available for public view, but it’s been rumored that the blog contains a confession by Ms. Addict that she drilled peep holes in the walls of emergency rooms, operating rooms and doctors’ offices just so she could get a glimpse into the mysterious world of medicine, and perhaps find a few cheap thrills. (Just Google “Addicted to Medblogs”. You can’t hide anything nowadays. Every disgusting post is out there somewhere on the Internet. It appears Ms. Addict also has some kind of scrub fetish.--Editor)

Ms. Addict is acting as her own counsel. She was fired from her job at Dewey Cheatem & Howe after her blog was revealed. It seems Jr. Partner’s valedictorian son was kicked out of his prestigious prep school after school officials read Ms. Addict’s blog and discovered that Jr. Partner and Ms. Addict had been doing little JP Jr.’s homework for the past few years. When asked how the prestigious prep school learned of Ms. Addict’s blog, Senior Partner said that the school had received a copy in the mail from an "anonymous" concerned citizen. Coincidentally, Senior Partner’s son will graduate as class valedictorian from the prestigious prep school, now that JP Jr. has been expelled.

We tracked down Ms. Addict at her new place of employment and asked her if she thought representing herself in this case was a wise decision. Ms. Addict said, “Probably not, but geez, who can afford to pay some obnoxious bastard $500/hour just to push some papers around on his desk and make a few phone calls. You know, lawyers will bill you .2 hours just for leaving a message on your answering machine telling you they called. I got mani/pedi bills to pay, I can’t afford no stinking legal bills. Now, would you like fries with that burger? Hey, if you write something nice about me, I’ll throw in a free fried pie.”

Next week: Part II - The Trial

Calendar Boys

As most of you know, TrenchDoc would post a picture of the current month’s featured resident from the ER Residents of the Mecca calendar. When TrenchDoc bailed on us, he took his calendar boys with him. So I thought I would do my part and carry on the tradition of calendar boy doctors by posting a monthly photo from the Addicted to Medblogs’ Doctors of the Blogosphere calendar. Of course, since I have never seen any of the blogging doctors in person*, I get to use my imagination and post my vision of what each doctor looks like. And if you have any suggestions, let me know. June’s calendar boy will be posted on Friday, June 8, 2007. After that, look for a new Blogging Doctor calendar boy on the first of each month.

*Okay, I admit I do have a few pictures, but before posting them, I need to do a little research on the stalking laws in a couple of the southern states.

The Fight Going on in My Head

I spent way more time than I want to admit reading about Dr. Flea this afternoon. Hours. Right now, OLBG* and Medblog Addict are duking it out in my brain over who is going to write this post. The lawyer in me wants to rant, perhaps bruising a few feelings in the process. But that would mean revealing the "work" side of me to y'all, which is something I have hesitated to do here.

The medblog addict in me wants to rant for an entirely different reason—I am pissed that this is going to affect my beloved medblogs.

I guess for now, I will just sit back and observe how the medblog world reacts to the Flea problem.

* Obnoxious Lawyer Bitch Girl

Video Wednesday -- Funny Deposition

I know, this is the third time I’ve posted this deposition. But it’s funny and I like it. And I need to start posting more frequently, so I’m starting Video Wednesday.

I Think My Control Issues Are Showing

My aunt is dying. I am just waiting for the phone call. She was a strong, independent woman who loved life. She has been in a nursing home for about a year. I saw her three months ago. She didn’t know who I was. She was in pain and miserable. Her family had asked that she just be made as comfortable as possible until the end.

It’s weird but I keep wondering why it’s taking so long. If death is inevitable, do people hang on like that because they are fighters and don’t want to give up? Is it a conscious decision? If she wanted to die, would the end come sooner? I guess I’m asking because if I were in that position, I would be using every ounce of strength I had praying for the end to come quickly.

Fantasy Stock Market for Blogs

I stumbled across this the other day:

"BlogShares is a fantasy stock market where weblogs are the companies. Players invest fictional dollars on shares in blogs. Blogs are valued by their incoming links and add value to other blogs by linking to them. Prices can go up or down based on trading and the underlying value of the blog."

Players get a fictional $500 to invest in the blogs. I didn't spend much time there, but did notice that ATM and some other familiar blogs were listed. I've avoided going back to learn more about it. No way I can afford another time killer.

Medical Joke Week hasn't exactly cheered me up, but it's not from lack of jokes. Here's some more jokes from my comment section and e-mail. Thanks y'all. (Yes, I'm taking the easy way out again by posting jokes. I tried writing a post, but no matter what the topic, everything I wrote ended with "fuck you and the horse you rode in on." Blogging should not be done while dazed and confused.)

From MD/PHD Student:

A neurosurgeon, fresh out of residency, was driving down the road in his 1995 Honda Accord when he sees a genie bottle on the side of the road. Having paid attention in 4th grade he decides to give the bottle a rub and sure enough a genie magically appears. The genie grants him three wishes but declares that whatever he ask for every lawyer in the world gets double. After thinking for a moment and considering how much he had just paid for malpractice insurance he decides that he can live with that for three wishes.

For his first wish he ask for a Black Ferrari and poof he gets a black Ferrari. But, now every lawyer in the world gets 2 black Ferraris. For his second wish he ask for 100 million dollars and poof he gets 100 million dollars. But, now every lawyer in the world gets 200 million dollars. After thinking long and hard about his third and final wish… The generous young neurosurgeon says, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.” And poof, out comes one of his kidneys…

“That should take care of all the lawyers” he says to the genie while climbing into his new Ferrari with $100 million sitting in the passenger seat.

From 911Doc:

a man goes into the doctor as he has been feeling ill. the doctor runs some tests and tells him to come back in a week. a week passes and the man, still feeling ill, comes back to meet his physician. "well sir, i've got some good news and some bad news for you, which would you like to hear first?" the doctor asks.

"uh, the bad news i guess," says the patient."

"okay," the doc says, "you've got a particularly aggressive form of pancreatic cancer and you will be dead within a month no matter what we do... i'm sorry," says the doc.

"wow," (sob, whimper), says the patient, "i guess i could really use some good news now... what is the good news?"

the doctor replies, "well sir... did you notice my secretary out front? the one with the very large melons and the legs that go on forever?"

"uh... yes... i did notice her... what's the good news?" asks the patient.

"i'm fucking her," says the doc.

From Lynn Price:

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their dogs. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called, "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Cheering Myself Up

This is going to be a very tough week for me and I will be spending a lot of time trying to find ways to cheer myself up. I thought I’d start by announcing this will be “Medical Joke of the Day” week (no, I haven’t run out of lame lawyer jokes yet).

I’ve also received some funny jokes via e-mail and comments that are too long to put on my sidebar and I will be posting them this week. (yes, I am avoiding writing).

This is from my favorite blogging doctor:

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her caregiver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"



(There are a couple of unanswered questions in my comment section--I am not ignoring you. I will respond to those tonight. Thanks for stopping by.)


10/20/07 9:00 p.m. Thank you Dr. Kevin for putting ATM back on your feeds page. That put a smile on my face. And if you have never checked out the KevinMD feeds page you should. It is very useful for keeping up with your favorite medblogs. That is how I keep up with my favorite surgeon at Surgeonsblog.

Eight Things About Me

Here are the rules: Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. Write a post about your own random things. Post these rules. At the end of your blog, tag 8 people and post their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment and tell them they're tagged.

Okay, I said I wasn’t going to do another meme thing after the “5 weird things about me” meme, but I am so desperate for something to post about, I am going to accept DisappearingJohn’s challenge. Here are 8 random facts/habits about me.

1. I love to watch television, only I can never find time to sit down and watch an entire show. So I have over 50 hours of shows recorded and waiting to be watched. Not only that, I have had the same three movies from NetFlix since January. I know, I know. I just hate to send them back unwatched.

2. Tulips are my favorite flowers. Every day during tulip season, I have a vase of tulips in my office and my bedroom.

3. I have a real garden now, but when I lived in an apartment, I grew corn, brussel sprouts, watermelon and pumpkins on my patio. They weren’t for eating, I just wanted to see if I could grow them in containers on my patio. They never really blossomed into real fruits and vegetables, but they did pretty good.

4. I am not the type to get anything pierced or tattooed, so when I get in one of my restless moods, I usually do something to my hair. I am now a blonde, thanks to my recent case of spring fever. Okay, not exactly earthshaking, but the partners would frown on anything more colorful.

5. I never buy greeting cards more than 1-2 days in advance. This goes back to the 8th grade, when my boyfriend dumped me for that slut JoAnn two weeks before Valentine’s Day. It would have been my first Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend and I bought cards weeks in advance. I am now superstitious and will not buy cards early, believing that something will happen to the relationship or the person I am buying the card for.

6. If it were practical, I would have a house full of cats and dogs. We do not have any pets right now, but I am looking for a kitten to adopt. I have had two puppies (at different times) since leaving my parents’ house. Both puppies ended up being raised by my parents. Not because I was a bad dog mother, it’s just that I wasn’t home enough to give them the love and attention they deserved. My parents have already said that I can’t do that with my kids (if I ever have any).

7. I do not sing in public. EVER. I have the world’s worst singing voice.

8. My nails (fingers and toes) must be perfectly manicured at all times. I hate it when they don't look nice. I never wear nail polish on my fingernails; they are always buffed. Toenails are always a shade of red; never any other color. And since I never mastered the art of the home manicure, I spend an inordinate amount of time and money at the “Nail Place”. (ok, I cheated. I ran out of things to say so I borrowed this from my weird meme post).


Umm. Would anyone like to volunteer to be tagged?

5/18/07 9:00 p.m. Okay, there seems to be a misunderstanding. Leaving a comment doesn't mean you are volunteering to be tagged. Gees, I wouldn't do that. But I am now "officially" tagging Amanda.

5/20/07 9:30 p.m. Consider yourself tagged Lynn Price. And congratulations on the IPPY award!

And thanks to MomWTTM for volunteering to be tagged.

Your Lawyer is Wandering Through the Medblogs

Speaking of search terms. My blog came up this morning when a firm concentrating in med mal defense was researching a popular blogging doctor (Flea) currently involved in litigation. It kind of makes me wish that I would have blogged about something a little more substantive than "Are Surgeons Really Better Looking?" and positive Throckmorton signs.

[And in defense of my blog, I disclosed from the beginning that it was meant to be a guilty pleasure. But I think I may have deleted that post.]

5/16/07 1:17 It looks like we've lost both Flea and Fat Doctor. This sucks.

5/17/07 10:00 Today ATM got a visit from the plaintiff's firm; then another visit from the defense firm. Which isn't unusual, I guess, but I was curious about what else turned up in their searches, so I went to their Google results page via Site Meter. This is how ATM appears in the plaintiff's search results:

Addicted to Medblogs: Learning to Link (revised)
Thanks to Dr.Flea’s latest post, the feelings of anger mixed with ... "Asshole lawyers" is a category, like "trial lawyers" or "lawyers who like babies. ...medblog-groupie.blogspot.com/2006/11/learning-to-link-revised.html - 78k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

I thought that was kinda funny. What a disappointment though, when they saw my actual post. Like I said, I never promised y'all quality blogging.

Go Flea.

Rescued by a Nurse

Last week, a very kindhearted nurse came to my rescue in a non-medical, non-emergency situation.

I left work around 8:30. BF was out of town and I was driving his car (way more fun to drive than my SUV). It was raining, but I didn’t think it had rained enough to be worried about street flooding. Boy, was I wrong. I was driving along, and then WHAM! I was in high water. I thought I would be smart and take a shortcut through a nearby neighborhood to get to our house. Big mistake. The water only got deeper. I am in BF’s very low-riding car. The rain is now pouring down, lightening everywhere. I can’t see. The car in front of me stalls. The water is up in people’s yards and I can’t see the driveways but I have to get to higher ground so I just turn and hope for the best. Fortunately I hit the driveway and pull up close to the house. Then I just sit and wait in the middle of the rain and lightening.

I call BF to let him know what’s going on, i.e., his car is okay, and oh, by the way, so am I. Then the hail starts. Hail so large BF can hear it hitting the car and asks “what’s that noise?”. Umm, I don’t know, I think I need to get off the phone now and save the battery.

I’m tired, hungry, have to use the bathroom, and stuck in the middle of a thunderstorm with nowhere to go. The rain dies down a little and I think about walking home, but its dark and I’m not that familiar with the neighborhood.

Then the homeowner comes out to the car. She invites me in out of the rain, and offers me her bathroom, food and drink. Her husband is stuck somewhere and can’t get into the neighborhood. Instead of watching the weathermen tell us it’s raining outside, we watched movies on her giant screen television all night while we waited for the rain to stop. Her husband came home around 5:00 a.m. bearing warm doughnuts. I definitely pulled into the right driveway that night.

Turns out she is a nurse at a nearby hospital. Thank you, Nurse Nancy.

Atrophied Testicle? Sorry, Wrong Blog

Wait, not so fast.

I just found out that last week, my blog came up during a search for “atrophied testicle hernia surgery”. Why me?

Then I remembered the Oops case. I had written about a med mal case where the surgeon admitted that he said “oops, I cut in the wrong place” during an operation to repair a double inguinal hernia.

So, while the searcher (I’m not a doctor, but I’m assuming it was a he) didn’t receive any helpful medical advice, he may not have walked away from here empty-handed. If he read the post, he could have learned:

1. The name of a surgeon he might want to avoid. Although, I'm sure the surgeon learned from his mistake (and I’d be willing to bet the farm that the surgeon learned never to say "oops" again during surgery.); and

2. The name of a Plaintiff’s lawyer. Not that he should hire one unless it is absolutely, positively, 100% warranted. Remember, bogus med mal cases affect me too. I don't want to have to lie to my doctors when they ask me what I do for a living. No CYA tests needed for me, thank you. I'm easy (uh, you know what I mean).

(I wanted to post something tonight, but have nothing to say, so I went through my blog closet and found this. I wrote this last December but "unpublished" it after a few hours. I think I was just surprised ATM came up in a "medical" search. Since then, ATM has appeared in the results of quite a few "medical" searches. There are a surprisingly large number of people out there who are interested in butt pus. But the all time most popular keyword search phrase for ATM remains "stitches or staples". You know, just from the few searches I have seen on ATM that contain the word "nurse", I have a feeling that nurses must see some really strange search keywords with respect to their blogs. People have some bizarre thoughts about what nurses do.)

Something for the Girls

No, it's not nekkid men. I save those for myself. But if you've ever had a manicure, I think you will find this funny.

Another Work Related Letter

Yes, I’ve “unpublished” my last two posts. It’s fun to delete. My posts now have an average lifespan of 6 hours. Maybe this one will stick.

A letter to a fellow associate:

Dear Dickhead,

Your secretary is not a bitch and she is not incompetent. You are a prick. Once you realize this and start acting halfway human towards her, your job will become a whole lot easier. She might even start covering your ass for you so that the next time you screw up, you won’t get invited to another one of those intimate closed door meetings with the partners. And your refusal to participate in the Secretary’s Day* festivities made you look like the biggest asshole loser on this planet.

Sincerely,

Medblog

P.S. If I were you, I’d think twice about eating any chocolates you receive on Boss's Day.


* That’s what the secretaries call it, so that’s what we call it (as opposed to Administrative Professional’s Day)

4/26/07 1:15 p.m Okay, I was going to "unpublish" this one because it makes me sound like a Grade-A bitch. But I'm going to leave it up and just say that I was a little cranky when I wrote it. I really do need a vacation.

Goodbye MSG

Yesterday I read that MSG was retiring Creating the Godcomplex. I really hate to see him go. MSG’s blog was one of the first medblogs I found. I made one of my rare early ventures out of lurkdom just so I could ask MSG to write about how medical students learned to suture. And he was nice enough to do it.

I don’t know if other readers experience this, but sometimes I just “connect” with a blogger. MSG was one of those connections. I didn’t always agree with what he wrote, but I always felt like he was writing from his heart and I appreciated his honesty.

Good luck, MSG. I'm going to miss you.

There is No Math on the LSAT

During law school orientation, the speaker (can’t recall who it was) asked people in the audience why they were going to law school. There were the usual answers: I want to help people; I want to make a difference; my father (mother, brother, etc.) is a lawyer. Naturally, I was trying to blend in with the woodwork so I wouldn't get called on, and of course I was called on. I answered truthfully: There is no math on the LSAT (Law School Admission Test). Everyone laughed and several other people admitted that was the reason why they were there as well.

Occasionally, I am asked why I don't go to medical school since I am enamored with all things medical. It’s easy. I suck at math/science and I am very particular about what I will put my hands on. And then there is what I call the “Yuck Factor”. You know, pee, poop, pus, puke, blood, etc. I don't think I could ever get past the Yuck Factor. Whenever my cat threw up a hairball, there was always a 50/50 chance that the clean up of said hairball would be interrupted by my own cookies being tossed.

Surprisingly, despite being the sensitive marshmallow that I am, I don’t think I would have too much of a problem with the emotional aspects of medicine. Of course, there would be the challenge of trying to suppress the urge to giggle at inappropriate times. And since I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old boy, that might be an insurmountable obstacle.

But what if someone really, really, really wanted to become a doctor? Could they learn to overcome the Yuck Factor? Are there people who start out in med school/nursing school who have weak stomachs and then learn to deal with it? Or do people drop out after eventually realizing that they will never be capable of basking in the glory of butt pus?

Delete Heartbroken?

I just got finished reading a horrible post on another blog. It included threats of de-linking. It sounded so lame and pathetic that I immediately came back to delete my “Heartbroken” post. I reconsidered though (mainly because of the comments re: EMTALA; you should check them out, very informative and entertaining).

Hopefully, everyone who reads “Heartbroken” realizes that I am poking fun at myself for briefly getting my feelings hurt because ATM was removed from the KevinMD feeds (ATM did not get de-linked by Kevin). If I were really upset about it, I would do what I always do: remain silent, pout and make BF’s life miserable until I got over it, even though BF had nothing to do with it.

Lawyer Joke of the Day

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Just two, all the rest are true.

I've added a new feature to my sidebar. Lawyer Joke of the Day. Now all I have to do is remember to post a new joke every day.

And y'all be nice. I know they are old jokes. But some of them are kind of funny.

Heartbroken

Sadly, every word in this post is true.

A while back, there was a little controversy going on in the med-blogosphere and I found it interesting that some bloggers used their blogroll like a weapon:

"I cannot believe you feel this way. I have banished you from my blogroll."

"You are brilliant. I have added you to my Links and put a star by your name."

Addicted to Medblogs ("ATM") has been de-linked twice. I couldn't give a rat's ass about the first de-linking. I still think that blogger is kind of nutty. The second de-linking stung, but I understand why he did it.

But I was heartbroken to learn today that ATM has been removed from the KevinMd.feeds. While I never felt like I deserved it, I was truly honored that ATM was included on the KevinMd.feeds page. I don't know why ATM was removed. Hopefully it was removed because it was unpopular, and not because Dr. Kevin thought it sucked.

So now, drawing on what I have learned from the medblogs, I realize that today I have gone through the five stages of grief:

1. Denial--this can't be happening to me. Surely it must be a technical problem and ATM will be back up tomorrow. Maybe I should e-mail Dr. Kevin.

2. Anger--feelings of wanting to fight back or get even. I am going to de-link KevinMD.feeds. No, I can't do that. I love his blog and the feeds; plus I like the convenience of the link.

3. Bargaining--attempting to make deals to stop or change the loss. Please Dr. Kevin, I will post more frequently. I will finish my research and write an interesting, thought-provoking post on EMTALA [instead of going with my original plan, which was to just write a post asking someone to explain why ER physicians say that they do not get paid for treating uninsured patients. I understand the on-call physician situation, but not ER docs. Not too dumb a question, is it?]

4. Depression--feelings of hopelessness, bitterness and self-pity. Well, yes, but not enough to warrant a visit to ShrinkRap for anything other than entertainment.

5. Acceptance--accepting the loss and finding that good can come out of the pain. I am going to work on my writing skills and improve the quality of posts on ATM. It will be the best damn blog ever written (umm, is delusional part of the grieving process?).

Everyone knows what mends a broken heart. I have to go now. There is a giant bowl of chocolate fudge ice cream in the kitchen with my name on it.

Spring Fever?

Today, I spent most of the day looking out my office window, wishing I was someplace else. With someone else. Doing something else. I only worked when the phone rang or someone asked me a direct question.

I don’t see how you medical people do it. With your jobs, it looks like you would never be able to have an “off” day. Or a bad day. Or a I just don’t give a fuck day.

I think I need a vacation.

Post About Nothing

I had planned on posting something this weekend, but I made the mistake of wandering through the medblogs before I started writing. It was a mistake because after reading so many great blogs out there, I lost my will to write.

So instead of writing, I spent part of my allotted home computer time doing some research on EMTALA. I want to be a little more informed when I am reading the ER blogs. Pretty interesting, but I still have some unanswered questions.

While I was wandering through the medblogs, I stumbled on something kind of surprising. It seems some ER nurses have a dirty little secret. Something they like to call Emergency Nurse Porn. But it's probably not what you think. Geez, they are respected professionals. Of course it's not what you think.

I think I will make this a post a cliffhanger. (Really, I forgot the name of the ER nurse’s blog and this will give me time to find it again so I can link to it. I'd do it tonight, but Dr. Schwab is finally talking about gallbladders (!!!) and I have to go read his post.)

Silly Question

When I was growing up, my mother told me and my brothers to make sure that we always left the house wearing clean underwear and clean socks because “what if we were in an accident and had to go to the Emergency Room?” Do doctors and nurses really notice whether a patient is wearing clean underwear and socks?

[Umm. Just so we're clear on this. I would wear clean underwear and socks even if there wasn't a chance I might end up having to go to the ER. Although, I have to admit there might occasionally be a hole in my sock. Well, if it's on the bottom, who's gonna see it? Except maybe someone in the ER. Okay, no more socks with holes.]

Note to MSG: Hey sweetie, I really like your blog (sorry, I couldn't resist).

UPDATE: Yes, I'm still alive. I will have a new post sometime this weekend. Thanks for stopping by.

Dr. Doctor

I just read a medblog about how patients and doctors address each other.

I don’t know if it’s where I am from or how I was raised, but there is absolutely no way that I could call a doctor by his or her first name. I cannot even bring myself to call a blogger doctor by his or her blogging name without inserting Dr. in front of it, e.g., Dr. Dinosaur. Mostly, it’s a sign of respect for the person and the profession.

But that’s not the only reason. I don’t want to call my doctor by his first name. To be honest, I don’t even want my doctor to have a first name. I want that person to be a superhero, with no feelings and no faults. That way, there is no possibility of a bad outcome. I’m not being unrealistic, am I?

Cookies for Doctors

I feel like a crumb because I never considered bringing cookies to my doctors as a way of saying "thank you". This post was inspired by EchoDoc. She wrote a great post about one of her partner's ungrateful patients.

I am hoping that I at least told Dr. Gastro and Dr. Jekyll (surgeon) thank you for taking away my pain and jaundice. But I don’t think that I did. I know I gave them the standard polite thank you each time I left the examining room, but I don’t think I ever thanked them specifically for making me feel better. I don’t know if this is because I’m inconsiderate or if I just figured they were doing their job. Maybe it was just my inexperience at being a patient. And I never once considered bringing them baked goods.

I ended up having to stay in the hospital for five days after my chole (something about not letting me go home with a fever). I received excellent care from the nurses, et al. When I finally got sprung, I wanted to do show my appreciation to those that took care of me. I told the nurses, et al. that they could have all of my flower arrangements. They seemed to like that. I also arranged for a friend to bring a humongous bowl of miniature candy bars and other edible goodies for the nurses’ desk. They really seemed to like that.

I did this because everyone that took care of me during those five days seem to go out of their way to be nice to me. I don’t think I would have felt right leaving without doing something special for them.

Which brings me to this. Now I feel like a crumb for not showing more appreciation to my doctors. My family doctor came by my room every day and never billed for it. I hope I told him thank you, but I can’t remember. The next time I see him, I plan on telling him how much I appreciated him stopping by. Because now I realize that he didn't have to.

There is no way I am asking for a “do-over” of the chole. So I’ll just try to be more appreciative next time. I still don’t see myself bringing cookies to a doctor. I guess some people are cookie people and some aren’t.

Crap, Crap, Crap

I finally have some time to write something for my blog and I don’t have a damn thing to say. I hate it when people don’t post regularly and I have become one of those people. Okay, anyone who has me Bloglined knows that I do post, I just pull the posts before anyone gets a chance to read them. Since I'm in the mood to blog, yet have nothing to say, I am going to write about what I have written and rejected as being not blogworthy. Something tells me this is another one of those 3 minute posts, i.e. I publish the post, wait three minutes, then remove it.

Cookies for Doctors -- This post was inspired by something I read on EchoDoc’s blog regarding an ungrateful patient. I wrote about how I felt like I didn’t show enough appreciation to my doctors. You know, some people are cookie people and some aren’t.

Five Pounds – This post didn’t even make it to the “Publish” button. I wrote about how I gained 5 pounds over the holidays and had been walking around hoping that the 5 pounds had been distributed evenly over my 5’7” frame and had not landed all on my ass. The point of the post was that last week I was back down to my fighting weight, yet no one had mentioned it. No one except a U.S. Marshall at the Federal Courthouse that I only see maybe once a week. I know, poor, poor pitiful me.

Men and Cabinet Doors – Another post that didn’t make it to “Publish”. This was a work rant asking why can't men ever close a cabinet (or closet or any other kind of) door. And why do they leave their Styrofoam coffee cups on the counter instead of just turning their lazy ass around and dropping it in the garbage can. They are standing right next to it!!!

Poop, Pus, Pee and Barf – Post where I attempt to answer the occasional question: Well, MA, if you’re so interested in all things medical, why don’t you get a job in the healthcare industry? (And no, you perv, I don’t have a “thing” for doctors, although I must say y’all look mighty cute in your scrubs.)

The Perfect Patient—After reading the medblogs, I learned that doctors don’t like all of their patients. Probably naïve of me to think that they did, but naïve is my middle name. Anyway, the competitor in me makes me want to be the perfect patient. So I wrote about the posts I had read and whether I was, or was not, the perfect patient. This post has some promise and I may actually do a little tweaking and publish it.

Where are all of the Funny Medblogs? – I wrote this when it seemed like every medblog I read was either serious, whiny, or sad and depressing. But then, that was my mood at the time, so I figured it was just the medblogs I was choosing to read. The last thing I want to do is be critical of other people's blogs when, well, look at this post.

Recipes and Medblogs—Enough said. Addendum: Recipes and medblogs are two of my favorite things to read. When a medblog includes recipes, I am in hog heaven.

Sorry, Wrong Blog – This was actually two different posts that I withdrew. I am always surprised when my blog comes up when people are googling medical terms. I do have a suggestion if anyone needs a topic to write about. STAPLES OR STITCHES? I get at least 20 hits a day for that question alone. “Atrophied testicle”, “I hate lawyers” and “butt pus” are also very popular. My favorite though was “nurse prostate nude stirrups”.

Request for Lawyer Jokes--I know. I was really, really struggling when I wrote this one. Although that post did start off with a great doctor/golf joke. I am considering posting a new lawyer joke on my sidebar everyday. Then I won't feel so guilty about people stopping by when I haven't posted anything new.

Hey Scalpel, It’s Snowing!—The title says it all; there is no accompanying post. We came close, but I was never able to hit the “Publish” button for this one.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DR. DINO!

First Lesson I Learned in Law School

Today at lunch, the boys and I had margaritas and shared law school stories. This was mine.

It was in Civil Procedure during my second week of law school. Class had just started and I lifted the tab to open my Diet Coke. It sounded like a cannon shot in the otherwise quiet classroom. The professor glared at me but continued his lecture.

Then came time for recitation. In recitation, a student is called on to state the facts, the procedural history, the issue before the court, and the reasoning behind the court's holding on one of the cases assigned for class. This is sometimes known as "leading the helpless lamb to slaughter". At some point, the professor will begin pummeling the student with questions in an effort to bring out the more important aspects of the case.

This particular professor randomly called on students to stand and recite. It was the second week of law school. No one was comfortable reciting and we all tried to blend into the scenery when he was deciding on whom to call upon to recite.

For the first case, he called on the person sitting to my right.
For the second case, he called on the person sitting to my left.
For the third case, he called on the person sitting in front of me.
For the fourth and final case, he called on the person sitting behind me.

Then he called my name. I stood up on shaking legs, not knowing what to expect because there were no cases left. All he said was “Ms. Addict, I’d like to see you after class.”

After class, the professor just told me that he would appreciate it if I opened my soda before he began his lecture. The four people who were called on to recite because of my "Diet Coke incident" never let me forget about it. I was teased about it whenever I was spotted with a beverage in my hand, in class or out.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I got off very lucky. The professor could have thrown me out of his class. Or made me stand and recite during the entire class. Or he could have called on me to recite and then embarrassed and humiliated me to the point of wanting the ground to open up and swallow me. All of the above would happen to me at various times during my law school career. But I never again took a canned drink into the classroom.

Everyone Lies

I just read a post about patients who lie [it’s TrenchDoc, I’m just too lazy to link it]. Everyone lies. I lie. Witnesses, clients, bloggers, men, boyfriends, imaginary boyfriends, pretend boyfriends, ex-boyfriends (take it easy MA, they get the picture). They all lie. Why should patients be any different, even if it may kill them?

In law school, a professor once told us that everyone will lie to us, especially our clients (and not just the criminals). He said we would have to learn to ask the same question over and over, in different ways, so that we could learn what the truth actually was. Because no matter how bad the truth is, it is still better to hear it from your client alone in your office, rather than in a deposition, etc.

My question is: Is this something a doctor is taught in medical school, so they are prepared for patients who lie? Or is this something you learn on your own, through experience? And if it is taught in medical school, do med students immediately embrace the fact that all patients will lie to them? Or does it take awhile for them to accept this? Do you always go in assuming the patient will lie? Even the slightly nervous girl lawyer or the sweet Grandma sitting in your examining room?

Of course, I guess I shouldn't mind the reluctant truth-challenged client. I'll sit there all day listening to you dance around the truth, because my billing meter will be running every minute. And please, feel free to take that cell phone call during the middle of our meeting. I can always use the billable hours.

A Post From Work

Yesterday I received an e-mail from Junior Partner (“JP”) re: a research assignment. JP wants me to spend three hours gathering information on a certain medical condition. Now, the Firm doesn’t take any personal injury cases, so this could only mean one thing: JP’s teenage son has to write a research paper for English! (Umm, if anyone knows of any good articles on asthma, let me know. Especially if they contain cool pictures.)

For as long as I have been at the Firm, JP and I have been helping JP Jr. with his homework. Everything except math. JP had to hire a math tutor because we both suck at math.

When I first read JP’s e-mail, I had this brief moment of panic. Why does he want me to research a medical condition? Does he secretly monitor my Internet activity? Does he know about the medblog addiction? Can he read the e-mails I send/receive on my Yahoo mail account? [Please – no comments on whether the e-mail thing is possible. I don’t want to know the answer. I would rather live in ignorant bliss.]

In a (now deleted) post last week, I questioned whether I should continue to keep the medblog thing a secret. Really, I questioned whether I should continue to blog at all. I thought the strain of hiding my secret life as Medblog Addict was getting to me. Obviously, I chose to continue. At least for now. And I will continue to keep my identity as Medblog Addict a secret. I think I have to because I seem to remember writing a post wherein I revealed that (1) Boyfriend is an old fart trial attorney; and (2) I hated every pompous, tiny prick, rat bastard attorney that I worked with.

Right now, I have a research project to do. I have to finish it by 3:00 or else Dad won’t let me go to the big dance on Saturday night.