Dr. October is . . . MDOD Part Two

911DOC

Q.1 Do I really have to call it the ED? I don’t like the negative connotations ED raises.

A.1 bad habit of which you have just disabused me. i had an attending physician in residency who would nearly pop a blood vessel in his brain if someone called it the "emergency room". his point being that we are really a department and not a 'room'. whatever. most of us who work in the ER suffer from ED. [What a way to kill a fantasy~MA]


Q.2: If MDOD were a boy band, who would be the bad boy? the heartthrob? the gay one? the shy one? the one who can't dance?

A.2 i think ETOTHEIPI, 'cat, and I could compete for the bad boy and heartthrob moniker especially looking at our picture, we are dead sexy no? since erdoc85 is new to the 'band' i will have to reserve judgement. (DRX refused to be in the photo). Oldfart is not so much shy as just grumpy. he's more like eeyore. DRX definitely cannot dance (nor can most of us) and he might come across as shy but that's just his barely concealed anti-social psychosis. none of us can sing or we would have a band and suffer only from hangovers and the clap.

Q.3 We read all the time on the medblogs about what sucks about practicing emergency medicine, tell us what is rewarding about being an emergency medicine physician.

A.3 there is a lot that is rewarding. i do try to write about this stuff when it happens but i guess i have fallen into the trap that traditional newspapers do which is that the good stuff does make me reflect and does give me warm fuzzies but somehow does not spark the writing impulse. the things they tell you in med school that ARE actually good about emergency medicine are the obvious: no beeper, no call, no clinic, and mobility. ironically, many of those things cut both ways. after years doing this the big saves matter a lot, making a difference in an instant IS gratifying, but the thanks from a worried mom or the "hey doc, you don't remember me but you took care of me three months ago..." meeting in the supermarket are just as good.

Shrodinger’s Cat

Q.1 Sorry, but I have to ask. Is the cat dead OR alive or dead AND alive before we open the box to check?

A.1 The CAT, which is me, was and is obviously alive, however it will not be the vial of poison that will kill me; I die slowly inside with every 3:00 am toothache. This is not a paradox, but a sad reality. I will soon be starting a SAVE THE CAT fund, to which all can contribute. All contributions will be matched and multiplied by the Hamiltonian operator.

Q.2 Tell us an embarrassing story about your residency.

A.2 As for me, I visited a friend in another state and after imbibing many screwdrivers, decided it would be a good idea to shave my head. Returning to the ED that next Monday brought many stares and snickers, and the attendings thought I had lost my mind. As for patients, two come to mind. Undressing a 55 year old "normal" appearing gentleman after an MVA only to find a silk victoria's secret thong left a lasting impression. Also, interviewing a crazy lady while she left a steaming pile of shit in the middle of the floor was another time I won't forget, but I wasn't embarrassed. The CAT remained calm and collected throughout residency.

Q.3 Favorite:

Swear word- bullshit or mother-scratcher
Ice cream- chocolate
Vice president-George Clinton because he was a P-funk all star and is no relation to Bill
Love song- Endless Love
State- tie -Arkansas and Utah

Etotheipi

Q.1 OMG –you not only see dead people, you touch dead people, then you cut them up into little pieces. Maybe I'm thinking about something else. What exactly do you do? Describe your typical workday.

A.1 I look through a microscope for about 6 hours a day. This allows me to:
1. avoid human contact; 2. not talk to patients; 3. shun interpersonal interaction.

Basically, I make all the tissue, blood, fluid etc. diagnoses in the hospital, write them down, then go home and turn off my pager. Sometimes I cut up dead people. I love my job.

Q.2: What's your guilty pleasure?

A.2 Masturbating with a Kermit the Frog puppet.

Dr.X

[These are the only questions I know how to ask in Russian--MA]

Q.1 âû õîòèòå êóïèòü ìåí& ïèòüåì? (Do you want to buy me a drink?)

A.1 What is the cost?

Q.2: âû õîòèòå come up ê ìîåé êîìíàòå? (Do you want to come up to my room?)

A.2 Are there any hidden listening devices or cameras there?

Q.3 âîë&, êîòîð âû íîñèòå ýòè scrubs? (Will you wear these scrubs?)

A.3 Da, I mean 'yes', after my food-taster/bodyguard has had a chance to inspect and clean them.

Q.4 òî áûëà ïîòåõà. ìîæåì ìû äåëàåì åãî ñíîâà? (That was fun. Can we do it again?)

A.4 I cannot commit to such a proposal but there is a strong likelihood that we can, at a time and place of my choosing.

Old Fart

Q.1 Old farts usually like to give advice. What is the best piece of advice you can give a young doctor?

A.1 stop now! find a new job...

Q.2 I find it interesting that you love to hunt and that you really wish you were a veterinarian. If you were a vet, after you shot the creature, wouldn’t your first instinct be to run over and see if you could save it?

A.2 I don't generally shoot dogs, horses, etc...

Q.3 Tell us about the good old days. Best changes? Worst changes?

A.3 a) CT Scanners; b) government

erdoc85

Q.1 So, what's the 85 stand for? Wouldn't erdoc69 be more fun?

A.1 '85 is the year I graduated from college. It's also the year I got married, but mostly I celebrate the former. erdoc69 WOULD definitely be more fun, but wouldn't get much done. Besides, when the doc leans close to listen to your heart, wouldn't you rather smell coffee breath than fish-face?

Q.2 Tell us your funniest "foreign object" story.

A.2 Hands down, this was the 82 year old with an antique porcelain door knob up her vagina. She "slipped on some newspapers". She waited 3 months to come and be seen (I'm safe in assuming no one else was paying a visit to "the creepy old dry cave"). I have photos and xrays to illustrate this one (patient name redacted). After I removed the object...she wanted to tell me this object's history! Like I said, it was an antique. >[10/27/07 -- I apologize to the visitor who arrived here by searching for "antique porcelain door knob cleaner". I don't think this is what they had in mind. Well, it is the Internet, so maybe it was. MA]

Q.3 We don't know that much about you. What kind of car do you drive? What color is your hair? Are you a glass half full or half empty kind of guy? How much money is in your wallet right now? Lefty or righty? Favorite fast food? Do you own a hat?

A.3 In order...Chevy Tahoe, brown hair, ONLY half-full (cautious optimist), $150, righty, Whataburger (they are the only 24 hour restaurant on my drive home), lots of hats--all baseball caps though I seldom wear any of them.

Thank you MDOD docs!

Dr. October is ...MDOD

When I started the Calendar Doc series, I knew the MDOD docs were going to be Drs. October-Halloween Edition. I’ve always thought the MDOD site was SPOOKY. The dark background, the dark stories, the dark humor. Before they hit the big time, it was like visiting a deserted ghost blog. I never saw comments from the MDOD docs on other blogs, and there were never comments from outsiders on MDOD. When I wanted to link the Throckmorton post, I asked for 911DOC’s permission because I was afraid to send my 15 readers over there unannounced.

The MDOD doctors are "different." They post interesting stories about their work and, in their comment section, make frequent references to masturbation, exhibit homoerotic tendencies toward one another, and call each other lewd and lascivious names, which makes MDOD one of my favorite medblogs. I have to admit, though, more than once when I was reading their responses to my questions, I would think “that boy just ain’t right.”

Here is Part One of the interview:

Q.1 I think at least one of y'all is a girl. Am I right?

911DOC: no, we are all genetically XY though given the recent coming to prominence of the transgender movement one of our number may not exactly identify himself as 'male'. i'm not saying who it is but if you ever played 'one of these things is not like the others' on sesame street you can figure it out pretty quickly.

Etotheipi: Don't be stupid. Girls are too yucky to write such brilliant socio-politico-medical commentary. Boys rule! [censored-sorry, but I don’t want no trouble from the authorities (or hits from those kinds of perverts). I haven’t had my law license very long, I don’t want to lose it over your penchant for ***** **** MA]

Oldfart: Doubt it

Q.2 How much money have y'all made off those Google ads on your blog?

911DOC: right now the counters are ticking so fast that i should have my kid's college education paid for before Al Gore's apocalypse.

Etotheipi: Ask 911… and then tell him to give me some of it.

Oldfart: I ain't seen no $$!

Q.3 Any tattoos? Piercings?

911DOC: not yet. considering either a puking skull on my left arm or a still-life of flowers or something.

Shrodinger’s Cat: 1 tattoo [he didn’t say where or what, and there's no way I'm gonna ask, so just assume the worst-MA]

Etotheipi: If I did, they would all be on my genitals.

Oldfart: Nope x 2

Q.4 Write a dirty haiku for me.

911DOC:
men can not find it
is it fact or friction-y
the graffenberg spot

Shrodinger’s Cat:
Looking in your eye
Dingleberries everywhere
Your stinking brown eye

Etotheipi:
I've been a bad boy.
My sister's still a virgin
But not anally.

Oldfart: what the fuck is a "haiku"?!

Q.5 Do one of y'all work with a monkey?

911DOC: see

10/18 post. DRX and erdoc85 have some experience in that department. schrodinger's cat had an organ grinder act many years ago but lost the monkey on a bet so had to become a doctor.

Shrodinger’s Cat: no monkeys

Etotheipi: This better not be some racist question because I'm 1/32nd Kickasquaw.

Oldfart: No, but I trained a few!! Damn fine doctors they are..

Q.6 Why do doctors look hot in scrubs but dentists don't?

911DOC: good question. i have a suspicion that it has to do with the fact that you know they are dentists and that if you had a heart attack in their chair that they would call the ambulance to come and get you. perhaps it's the same kind of thing as wearing a band uniform or a USMC uniform? all that being said, i would be much happier as a dentist.

Shrodinger’s Cat: I look great in my scrubs because I work out, eat right, and wear no underwear.

Etotheipi: Because of our oversize genitals (especially the large vaginaed women).

Oldfart: Cause we are

Q.7 And of course, what color scrubs do you wear?

911DOC: black usually though a reddish top i used to have has now faded to pink. i love it.

Shrodinger’s Cat: Maroon scrubs

Etotheipi: Heliotrope and puce.

Oldfart: Blue

In Part Two, the MDOD doctors will answer more questions. I just have to do a little more legal research on some of their answers. That boy just ain't right.


Picture: MDOD doctors less Dr. X and erdoc85. Don't worry, doctors that don't cooperate get "special" candid pics posted, so look for pictures of Dr. X and erdoc85 pictures in Part Two.

PART TWO is here.

Request for Match Day Stories

Ms. Jones asked me if I would post her request for Match Day stories. Of course I told her yes. But I also suggested that if she wanted to reach more than 15 people, she needed to contact someone like GruntDoc or KevinMD. It sounds great. I would love reading stories about Match Day.

Proto magazine is looking for short, exciting Match Day stories from doctors who participated last year or just remember like it was yesterday. How were you affected by the tension of the moment? Did you faint with relief (or disappointment) upon opening your envelope? Did another student’s reaction catch your eye and make you think?

If you didn’t match, were you lost in “the scramble?”

Please send your stories to Carrie Jones at carrie_jones @ timeinc.com and include your full name and contact information with your submission. If we like your story, we may need to contact you for a brief follow-up. If you’d rather remain anonymous, we can withhold your name for publication.

Thanks!

Calendar Doc Tomorrow! Let's just say it's going to be a "different" kind of interview.

Memeing My Own Business

It's late, I'm tired, that's the best title I can come up with. I was tagged by 911DOC on that 8 random things meme. I've already done it twice, but I think I read somewhere that if the tagged people didn't participate, 911DOC would have 7 years of bad luck and/or his dick would fall off. I don't want either one of those things hanging over my head, so I'm going to play. Listing 8 more personal things about myself would require me to open up the "crazy" files, and I don't want to do that, so I am doing an 8 random things about the Calendar Doc series. What a coincidence, since I just e-mailed the questions over to Drs. October and I can use this post to give y'all a hint.

First, my blogging pal Amanda can't think of anything to write about so she has requested that she be meme'd. I still have a few memes left over from when she insulted me by questioning my womanhood, so I am happy to oblige. Since it's more than a few questions, I am going to send you over to Addicted to Medblogs Two for the memes. Be sure and let me know if you participate, so I can link it here. I know my 15 readers would like to see your answers.

Eight Random Things About the Calendar Docs

1. It takes me longer to write the questions than it takes the doctors to answer the questions.

2. The doctors don't get to see their picture before I post the interview. Except for Drs. October, who submitted their own picture. (Something about not trusting me with a camera after talking to Scalpel.)

3. I joke about being afraid to e-mail the docs, but its true that I am shy and the first e-mail is always the hardest to send.

4. When I started the series, I knew immediately who the first 6 doctors would be. I also knew exactly who I wanted for Dr. June, Drs. October and Dr. December. I already have Dr. December's picture. hehehe

5. My original idea was to make up both the questions and the answers, using information from the doc's blog. I couldn't do that with Trenchdoc because he no longer had a blog, so I asked him if he would mind answering some questions. It worked out so well that I decided to scrap my original idea and make it a real interview.

6. Hint for Drs. October.

7. Come on, do you really need a hint?

8. I hope that this counts as 8 random things, otherwise, 911DOC is going to have a problem.

I Like Free Stuff (Or, I'm Playing With My New Printer Again)

I love shopping at the mall, but I don't go very often because it usually means trouble. I lose all track of time and get way behind schedule. I've had to wrap gifts in the car on the way to parties more than once, which for some reason really annoys the hell out of BF. Yes, I know stores will wrap gifts, but I am semi-famous among my family and friends for my unique and festive gift wrapping abilities, so I like to do it myself, even if I have to do it cramped in the car.

The mall is also a good place to get free stuff. There's nothing I like more than getting free stuff. I've been known to buy stuff I don't need or want, just to get the free stuff (usually more stuff I don't need or want--but it's free). My strategy is simple, I just act interested, and I may get a few free samples of cosmetics, perfume, etc. You know, fun stuff.

So I was at the mall, heading for Sephora, because I wanted to see if they had the lip plumper that I saw on an infomercial. Hey, don't laugh, it has the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval, so it must work. Anyway, on my way there, I saw the L'Occitane store and decided to go in there and see what rich people smell like.

Sales Guy saw me walk in and immediately asked me if I wanted to put all my smaller bags in two larger bags. Well, sure I do. I love those free shopping bags. I'm in a closet and drawer cleaning frenzy right now and those bags come in handy for carting stuff to the Women's Center. But I don't think he was necessarily trying to be helpful, he just recognized I was an accident waiting to happen and he didn't want to be cleaning up stuff I knocked over with my bags. (BTW, I also walked through two department stores where I know they will ask if they can put your stuff in their bags when they see you carrying a competitor's shopping bag. I walked out of the mall with 8 large bags and 6 smaller bags. Free stuff that I can actually use.)

Sales Guy was very nice, and after I told him I wasn't going to buy anything, I just came in to smell, he took me on a tour of the place.

As I was leaving, Sales Guy asked me if I wanted some free samples. For some reason, I told him no thanks, and I turned to leave. He refused to let me leave without free samples and filled a small shopping bag with all of these goodies:

So now, I'm thinking my new strategy will be to refuse samples, and maybe I will get even more free stuff.

Okay, I realize this isn't a particularly interesting post, but it did serve a purpose. It gave me a chance to see what other tricks my new printer can perform. I learned that I can pile a bunch of crap on top of my printer, press a button, and Voila! I have a picture for my blog. I know, I know, any fifth grader already knows this. The only complaint I have is, the picture isn't big enough to illustrate how many goodies I actually walked away with.

The July Syndrome

This is a page from my SiteMeter stats. Note the Visitor's Time and the Search Words.

I had always heard that you shouldn't go to the hospital in July because that is when the new doctors start. Being a non-medical type, my warped medblog addicted mind immediately figured this must be a new intern. It was his first day, he was asked to do something, and the patient wouldn't cooperate and refused to pull his pants down. Now, the new intern probably didn't want to be forever known as the doctor who couldn't get a patient to drop his pants, so he snuck off and Googled it.

I know, this would have been funnier and more appropriate if I had posted it on July 2nd. That's been the theme of my life lately--a day late and a dollar short. I could tell y'all that I was busy working, but the truth is, I couldn't figure out how the hell to get the SiteMeter page onto my blog. I am technically challenged.

But now I have a fancy new printer. I probably made it infinitely more complex than it should have been, but I managed to not only get the page to show up on my computer, I have added red circles!

So what if it is two months late? BFD. It's still funny.

Well, kinda funny.

Ok, so it's not funny anymore, but who cares? I put red circles on it and posted it on my damn blog.

No telling what y'all are gonna see on my blog in the future.

Just in case another intern has this same problem next year, is there anything you can do when the patient won't pull his pants down?

A Kernel of Corn ~ The End

I wish I could say that things ended well. The treatments were tough on Nicole. She joked that she thought Elizabeth was going to grow up thinking all mommies came home and took their hair off. Nicole fought a good fight but eventually decided it was time to stop fighting. I was surprised at how many people would criticize that decision. Really, I guess I was surprised that anyone would think they had the right to question her decision.

I said goodbye to Nicole in June. She assured me that she wasn't in pain and she wasn't scared.

I cried silent tears the entire trip home. I know everyone who saw me that day at the airport and on the plane thought I was crazy.

As soon as I got home, I started writing a letter to Elizabeth, telling her everything I could remember about her mother during those college years. I told her every single thing we did, no matter how irrelevant or inconsequential it was. At first, I thought that I would give the letter to Elizabeth when she went away to college, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's something she will want to read when she is thirteen or fourteen. I guess it doesn't matter right now, I still have a few years to decide.

The call came in September. Nicole had died at home, in her own bed, with Mark by her side. Just like she wanted.

I will be carrying a locket with pictures of Nicole and Elizabeth when I am running in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure this month. And Nicole will be looking down laughing at me because she knows how much I hate to run, especially in the morning.

A Kernel of Corn ~ The Middle

This is harder than I thought it was going to be. Long story short, Nicole’s life went on according to her master schedule. She met the man of her dreams during the summer between our junior and senior years. Mark was six years older than Nicole, tall, blond, and handsome. He gave her an engagement ring for Christmas, and Nic and I spent the last semester of our senior year planning and preparing for her wedding.

After the wedding, I went back to my hometown and Nicole and I kept in touch. She must have been made for marriage because she said the hardest part about it was trying to come up with ideas for dinner every night. Nicole decided to accelerate her master life plan and, about a year after she married Mark, Nicole gave birth to the beautiful Elizabeth. I went to visit Nicole when Elizabeth was three months old. I was afraid to hold her, but Nic sat me on the couch and put Elizabeth in my arms. Once Elizabeth realized I wasn’t a source for dinner, she put her head down and fell asleep. I can still remember everything about that night, the feel of Elizabeth’s weight on my chest, her soft breathing, and that baby smell. I was afraid to move because I didn’t want Elizabeth to wake up and be taken away from me.

A few months after my visit, Nicole called and told me she had found a lump in her breast while feeding Elizabeth. She made an appointment to see her doctor, but she wasn’t really worried because everyone said she was way too young to have cancer. I asked Nicole how big the lump was, and she said "the size of a kernel of corn."

A Kernel of Corn ~ The Beginning

This is one of those times when I wish I were a writer. I've been sitting here for hours trying to write about my best friend/college roommate but I'm frustrated because I just can't seem to put the right words together to express how much I admire her, or to illustrate her beauty, courage and spirit. Nevertheless, over the next few days, I am going to write about my friend Nicole.

We were nineteen when we met, the first day of our sophomore year in college. Nicole and I had a lot in common and we became fast friends. We shared a townhouse during our junior and senior years. Those three college years with Nic were full of Lucy and Ethel adventures and misadventures and I loved every fun, crazy minute.

Nicole was tall and beautiful and would turn heads when she entered a room. She was also one of the nicest people I have ever met. In the entire time I knew her, I never once heard her say anything nasty about anyone. But she wasn’t nice in that overly sweet, annoying way. She was just confident and easygoing. Nicole was religious, but not judgmental. She lived her life the way she needed to but accepted people as they were. Nicole would get up every Sunday morning and go to church, no matter how late we had stayed out the night before. I always thought it was funny because Nicole went to church on her own volition. I slept in every Sunday because my parents weren’t around to make me get up and go to church.

Nic wasn’t perfect. We had the largest collection of stolen bar glasses in town. I can’t remember ever leaving an establishment without hearing the sound of clinking glasses in Nicole’s purse. She (with three unnamed accomplices) once left a banquet with two complete place settings stashed away. It was a dinner for the football team; very festive and pretty. And yes, everything was lifted before dinner; Nic wasn’t about to ruin a good purse. Plus, our boyfriends at the time drew the line at sneaking out dirty dishes for us.

Nic had a stalker during our senior year. He eventually stole a load of MY clothes out of the dryer and nailed a pair of MY panties to our door with an obscene note to Nicole. It didn’t take long to figure out it was the weird neighbor who came over to introduce himself wearing nothing but his Speedo's in 30 degree weather. We heard his parents spent all night packing his stuff up so he could be gone by the next morning. I teased Nic for years about how she owed me new towels and underwear because of her bad choice in stalkers.

Being best friends, Nicole and I talked about everything. While we were alike in a lot of ways, we didn’t share the same hopes and dreams. I wanted a career with no concrete plans, no boundaries, no fences. Marriage before age thirty wasn’t an option for me. Nicole, on the other hand, had her life mapped out. According to her master plan, she would graduate, get married, work for a year, have her first child, then spend the next twenty years being a wife and mother. There was never any doubt in her mind that this would happen, in that order, and according to her schedule.

Law School Musical

Not a day goes by that I don't get a few hits from people searching for information on the LSAT or law school. I hate for people to walk away disappointed, so this is for all of you wannabe lawyers (or for you people who just want to confirm you made the right decision by not going to law school).

Dr. September is . . . Scalpel

Scalpel or Sword is one of my favorite medblogs. How could it not be? It's full of great ER stories, with an occasional recipe and cat picture thrown in. It's like Scalpel created my fantasy medblog. I became an instant Scalpel fan after reading "Veggie Tales".

Here is our interview:

Q1: How long had you been reading the medblogs before you started Scalpel or Sword? Is this your first blog?

A: About a year or so. GruntDoc was the first medblog I ever read, and I surfed round from his blogroll for a while. This is my first and only blog.

Q2: How would your co-workers describe you?

A: Cool.

Q3: I’ve already decided that if I ever end up in the ER, I’m going to call everyone Scalpel, just in case it happens to be your ER. I don't want to blow your cover, so do you want to give me a code word or phrase that you will use to let me know I stumbled onto the real Scalpel?

A: If you call me Scalpel, I'll reply "well I'm definitely not Movin' Meat."

Q4: So, what do you have against boobs?

A: I'm actually a huge fan. But if a woman thinks I'm looking at her breasts, I'm probably just evaluating her respiratory effort. Observing the chest is an important part of the ABCs. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Q5: You once wrote “I have met professional athletes and multimillionaire CEOs who travel by helicopter, and some local and national political figures and TV newscasters.”

I know you can’t give us any names, but how about providing us with the initials of three or four of these famous people. And maybe tell us what was wrong with them. You don’t have to be specific, just say STD but don’t reveal which one. It’s ok. I only have 15 readers and we’ll never tell.

A: Initials, eh? Alright: M.E., K.L., T.F., R.C., C.C. They just had normal ER stuff: SVT, musculoskeletal injury, syncope, abdominal pain, pneumonia. We're all the same inside. My strangest "celebrity encounter" was this crazy long-haired tattooed guy who claimed he was the guitar player for a famous metal band. He gave me a "backstage pass" which was just a brochure for a nightclub.

Q6: If one of your children wanted to be a doctor, would you be encouraging or discouraging? What if they wanted to be a lawyer? What if they wanted to go to UT? (We know you just want them to be happy, so skip that part and tell us what you really think.)

A: I would be thrilled if they became physicians. That would be four generations in a row for my family. I wouldn't mind if they became attorneys either...I once considered that career myself. I would be much more disappointed if they went to tu (that's what Aggies call the University of Texas). [I’m gonna leave that explanation in, but only because a few of my 15 readers aren’t from Texas]

Q7: Who would win in a mud wrestling match: Monkey Girl or Nurse K?

A: The viewers, of course. I'll be the ring doctor.

Q8: Do you play any musical instruments?

A: I play around with the drums, but I'm just an amateur. One of my friends is an amazing guitarist, and we jam every now and then.

Q9: Describe your fantasy sandwich.

A: First take an inflatable swimming pool filled with chocolate pudding....just kidding. Toasted sourdough with smoked chicken, pastrami, pepper jack cheese, and mustard; a side of Wavy Lays, a couple of dill pickles, and a Dr. Pepper on ice.

Q10. If space aliens came into your ER one night, what conclusions about the human race would they make?

A: I think they would LWBS (leave without being seen), then go back to the mother ship and exterminate us like ants.

Q11: In a post, you asked “Is it still called a ‘haircut’ if it costs $400? Or is there a fancier name for it? For that much money, he should have gotten a happy ending.”

“Happy ending”? Where the heck do you get your hair cut?

A: I cut my own hair. Number 3 on the sides and number 6 or 8 on top. I would never pay someone $400 for something I could do myself for free.

Q12: At what point in life did you decide that you wanted to be a doctor?

A: My dad took me on hospital rounds with him a few times, and I remember the nurses pushed me around in a wheelchair. So it seems like forever.


Q13: We know that between Scalpel or Sword, you would choose Scalpel, but what about:

Carrots or Peas - carrots
Real or Fake - real
Beach or Mountains - beach
Girth or Length - In Texas, you don't have to choose.
Cold Beer or Iced Tea - iced tea
Leno or Letterman - Letterman
Boxers or Briefs - briefs
Cats or Dogs - cats
Pepsi or Coke - Coke
T or A - T
Simpsons or Flintstones - Simpsons
Nuts or No Nuts - no nuts
Top or Bottom - top

Q14: And of course, what color scrubs do you wear to work?

A: Johnny Cash

Picture: This is Scalpel relaxing at home on a day off from the ER.

Photo credit: I don't know where the photo came from. I received it in a funny e-mail from Mom. She would kill me if she knew I told y'all she sent me that picture. As you can see, I chickened out and didn't post the whole picture. Here are the original pictures.

Hint for Dr. September

He's a doctor.

These calendar docs are so temperamental. Last month, Dino refused to be photographed without the scrubs. This month, the doctor refused to wear scrubs. In fact, he refused to wear anything at all. Something about changing his image. . .

I'm not sure the medblog world is ready for this.

The Embarrassing Gerbil Question

I’ve been trying to decide for months if I should ask about this on my blog. Y’all have always been good about answering my questions, and this seems like the perfect place to ask the gerbil question. I could probably ask about it in a private e-mail, but geez, I’m embarrassed—maybe this is something everyone already knows and I’m just incredibly naïve and uninformed. I could Google it but I’m afraid of what kind of spam I would get afterwards. Okay, I’m just gonna ask it. (I can feel my face getting red just typing this question).

For years I have heard the Richard Gere story. It always starts with “I have this friend who knows someone who works the ER” and they swear they were there the night Richard Gere came in with the “gerbil problem”. I know people do crazy things, but do people really do that with gerbils?

Proposed Rebuild of the NY Skyline

This is still one of my favorite pictures.

Amanda Gets Meme'd -- Volume 2

Here you go, Amanda. And just for future reference, ms. smarty pants, the day does not end until midnight (or does it end at 11:59 p.m.?).

This is called the AMEX meme. I’d link to it, but I can’t remember where I found it. I do recall reading that American Express was unhappy because not very many people answered Amex to the last question.

My Name:

Childhood Ambition:

Soundtrack:
Retreat:

Wildest Dream:

Proudest Moment:

Biggest Challenge:

Alarm Clock:

Perfect Day:

Indulgence:
Last Purchase:

Favorite Movie:

Inspiration:

My life is:

My card is:

I know, this is kind of a sucky meme, but I haven’t had a lot of time lately. Feel free to make it less lame by getting rowdy in my comment section and making up suggestive answers.

Update on Dr. September. I haven’t even e-mailed him yet to ask if he would be this month’s calendar doc. And it’s already September 4th . I know, I know. I’ll do it this week.

9/5/07 Update: Amanda has meme'd. She did a great job considering the meme she had to work with. I didn't even understand half of the questions. Amanda's been a good sport and I guess she's out of the doghouse for questioning my womanhood. Although, now I'm a little hesitant to add this next update. I received this e-mail after someone read the confessions in my comment section about how us girls will occasionally check out other women's breasts:

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Do Good Girls Get Tattoos?

I’ve been restless for about 4-5 months now. At first I thought it was spring fever, but it’s September now and the restlessness is still there. In one of my earlier posts, I wrote that I wasn’t the type to get anything pierced or tattooed, so my hair usually took the bullet when I felt like I needed a change. I went blonde in April. Even then, it wasn’t that drastic a change.

What’s so wrong with a small tattoo? In a place that is well hidden from the public, but can still be accessed in case I ever feel the need to show it off. Maybe upper hip? I’ve heard that gravity isn’t too kind to tattoos. Even a small one? Maybe I’ll just get my belly button pierced.


Amanda—Amanda Gets Meme’d – Vol. 2 will be posted on Tuesday because of the Labor Day holiday. Thought I forgot, didn't you?

Stupid Timekillers

My Fortune Cookie told me:
It is time to bring the bacon in from the cold.
Get a cookie from Miss Fortune ">



I won't even say how much time I just wasted playing this stupid game.

Amanda Gets Meme’d

As promised, as payback for questioning my womanhood, I am tagging Amanda with every meme that I see. The first meme will be the Eight Things meme that Not Nurse Ratched tagged me with. (I am attending nursing school vicariously through NNR. What's funny is, when the experienced nurses leave advice for NNR, I read every word, just like I am going to need it the next day in class).

I’ve already done this Eight Things meme before, but since I don’t have anything else to write about, I am going to do it again. I’m adding a twist, though. I can’t recall where I first saw this, but one of the eight things listed is false. Which one?

1. I am in love with two men.

2. I love trashy television shows. I stopped watching/recording shows like Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, ER, etc. because of a lack of time, yet I haven’t missed an episode of Big Brother this summer. I am also watching Rock of Love on VH-1, where slutty girls are competing to be Bret Michaels’ girlfriend. I love Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen and I can’t wait for Project Runway to begin. I have never seen an episode of American Idol, but was almost involved in a lawsuit against the production company, etc. I also watch As the World Turns, but it’s recorded and I’m only on May, so don’t tell me what has been going on. I also watch QVC (shopping channel).

3. In college, I won a drinking contest involving beer and tequila. Afterwards, I immediately puked my guts out in the ladies’ room, my date holding my hair back the whole time. Funny, he said he would call me the next day, but it’s been years and I still haven’t heard from him.

4. In my short career as a lawyer, I have made two people cry in court. The most recent occurrence happening last week. I have mixed feelings about being a lawyer, which may explain why I felt nothing when the man started crying, but I felt sickened when my boss and my fellow associates gave me a hero’s welcome when I returned to the office (two lawyers who were in the courtroom when it happened called my boss to tell him about it). One day I will have to write about how it feels to be the only woman lawyer in a firm of 15 lawyers.

5. I keep an extra suit in my office because (i) I may end up having to go to Court on a day when I am wearing jeans; and (ii) no matter how careful I am, I am always dropping food down the front of my shirt, dress, etc. and may need to change clothes. Which leads me to this next thing: I hate it when men are talking to me and I see their eyes wander down to my boobs. I immediately look down, thinking they are looking at something I have spilled on my shirt.

6. My five-year old nephew has been to more foreign countries than I have. He always brings me back a souvenir, usually something he likes and won’t let me play with.

7. I have never seen the movie “Gone With the Wind”.

8. I am one of those people who never make up their beds. I live with a man who cannot leave the house with the bed unmade. I have actually seen him make up the bed in a hotel room before we left. That’s just twisted.

Okay, Amanda, get busy. List 8 things about you, one of which is false. I won’t tag anyone else, I will just call for volunteers (and no, leaving a comment does not mean you are volunteering). Let me know if you do the meme, and I will link you. I’m sure my other 14 readers would like to see what you have to say.

Oh yeah, “Amanda Gets Meme’d” will be a regular Monday post. If I can’t find a meme, I will make one up for her (and any volunteers).

Update: Amanda has completed Meme #1. And thanks to Doc's Girl for volunteering. Great job, girls. Volunteers are still being accepted.

Cell Phone Karma

Dr. August is . . . #1 Dinosaur

Dr. Dino was one of the first medbloggers to link to Addicted to Medblogs. A link from Musings of a Dinosaur meant that people might actually start reading what I wrote—and that scared the crap out of me. I sent Dino an e-mail saying I didn’t know whether to say “thank you for the link” or “screw you for ruining my life.” Thus began my blogging relationship with Dino. In the beginning, I would ask Dino’s opinion about one of my posts and Dino would e-mail back with encouragement and praise. Now (at my request) Dino responds by telling me to get over myself and just publish the damn post. Of course, I asked for Dino’s opinion when I first considered doing the Calendar Doc posts.

Here’s our interview:


Q1: Every time I look at your Avatar, I picture you as a cranky old man. Are you a cranky old man?

A1: I'd say yes to two out of three on that one.

Q2: Name three medbloggers that you would want to be stranded on a deserted island with.

A2: I have to pick only three? Now that's tough. I've made a lot of friends since starting this whole blog thing. I'd start with Dr. Dork; I haven't seen him since he dropped out of sight -- er, made his blog invitation only (and won't respond to my request to be invited), so we'd have a lot of catching up to do. Besides, as an Aussie, he talks funny, which would be entertaining. Second, I'd take Lynn Price, because as a Reiki master she could communicate with other Rieki masters regardless of distance and call a boat to come rescue us when we're done chitchatting (and catching up with Dr. Dork.) Finally, I'd invite the Tundra PA, as long as it was the depths of winter. I'm sure she'd enjoy a little break from the frigid tundra, especially if it was a nice deserted island in the Caribbean someplace.

Q3: Tell us how you felt on your first day of that weird class, you know, the one where you learn to cut up dead people. [feel free to revise this if i am being insensitive--MA] [no problem; insensitivity is part of your charm--Dino]

A3: I thought, "Damn, this place smells really bad." Also, cut muscle looks a lot like chicken, so I lost my appetite for chicken, at least until Gross Anatomy was over.

Q4: In one of your posts you wrote:

. . . I gained a passing familiarity with other staples of cable, including my spouse's favorite: Food Network. . . . and the Iron Chefs (both American and Japanese; our favorite pastime is making up and lip-synching our own X-rated commentary on the latter) are now familiar personages to me, as is the format of watching professional cookery in progress. (emphasis added)

Give us an example of that Iron Chef “X-rated commentary.”

A4: Favorite spoof theme ingredient: "Battle....BULL NUTS!" Sample commentary: (twittery Japanese actress): Oh, I can just feel my nipples standing up against this tight silk blouse.

Q5: Where did you go to med school?

A5: University of California, La Brea Medical School.

Q6: I read where medical students get the diseases they are learning about. Tell me about all of the diseases you “experienced” in medical school.

A6: While I was in med school I had appendicitis several times, a few brain tumors, and terminal carpal tunnel syndrome.

Q7: Your father is a lawyer. Did you give any thought to going to law school?

A7: No. Despite what he would tell you, I don't enjoy arguing as much as he does.

Q8: Death row inmates get to choose their last meal before being executed. What would your last meal consist of?

A8: My last meal would be a very rare filet mignon (take the meat to the grill, let it see the flame for a few seconds, then bring it to me); two lobsters (with drawn butter of course), a Caesar salad from California Pizza Kitchen, and one pound of Godiva chocolate (dark, of course.)

Q9: How did you discover the medblogs? What was the first medblog you ever read?

A9: I've been blogging for almost exactly one year, and at this point I can honestly reply that -- for the life of me -- I can't remember how I got started, much less who I read first. It must be that age-related memory thing. [I think Dr. Dino is purposely avoiding answering this question, which can only mean one thing: Dino was Googling porn and ended up at Fingers and Tubes in Every Orifice! MA]

Q10: Obviously, from your picture, you prefer blue scrubs. Are you hiding any tattoos or piercings under those scrubs?

A10: Who wants to know? And if I show mine, will they show me theirs?

Q11: You seem to have a habit of taking new bloggers under your wing. Am I the only blogger who still e-mails you on a regular basis asking for your opinion on a post that I am about to publish, or asking you if something I've written is offensive?

A11: I don't know about taking new bloggers under my wing (pterodactyl wings are pretty flimsy; not much room) but there are several bloggers I'm friends with and email with regularly "off the blogs."

Q12: Speaking of my insecurities. Why am I so insecure with my blogging? And what is this thing on my arm? Is this skin cancer? Why does my leg hurt when I do this? Does this look swollen to you? I burp a lot, why is that? Assuming dinosaurs party, are you inundated with health related questions when people find out that you are a physician? Do you ever hesitate telling people what you do for a living?

A12: I haven't a clue; a spider bite; not yet; because it doesn't bend that way; yes; because you talk too much; we do; yes; no.

Q13: It might surprise my readers to learn that you talk like a sailor. Where did you learn to swear like that?

A13: How the #$%^$#@ do you expect me to answer that #$%&%$@# question!

Photo: Dino at work (no matter how much I begged, Dino refused to take off the scrub top--my guess is tattoos, lots and lots of tattoos).

Photo credit: Google images (that's all the info I have)

Calendar Doc Update and Hint

Finally, Dr. August will be revealed tomorrow. Hint: This blog author accused me and another blogger of causing damage to a certain piece of personal property, and then insisted that we pay for its replacement.

I've been thinking about doing a special edition Nurses calendar and maybe a Medstudents calendar for end of the year posts. What do you think? Too much calendar stuff? It's not like I am trying to avoid coming up with new ideas for posts, or anything. Well, maybe I am, but I've got nothin' else to write about, unless you want to hear me whine about work.

Okay, time for me to start gathering up my courage to e-mail Dr. September. Gees, I hope he doesn't bite.

Miscellaneous Blog Matters

I haven’t had much time to take care of blog matters lately, so this post is dedicated to blog housekeeping. Well, mostly it’s just me patting myself on the back.

Thank You Notes

I’m a little late with these thank you notes.

After about nine months of blogging, I finally received one of those blogging awards. Amanda at Its All About the Walls awarded me the Rockin' Girl Blogger award and SeaSpray at It’s a Wonderful Life awarded me the Rockin Blogger Award. Thank you ladies. Seasprout is so sweet and she wrote some really nice things about me. Amanda, well, she just questioned whether I was really a woman. That’s okay, Amanda, I don’t hold grudges. Just be prepared to be tagged with every meme I come across during my travels through the blogosphere.

And thanks to Patient Anonymous and Dr. Dino for awarding me the Schmooze Award. Receiving this award was really a pleasant surprise. I didn't think that lurkers were eligible to be schmoozers. If not for Dr. Dino, I would only have 5 readers instead of my current readership of 15. PA has been around from almost the beginning and leaves funny comments whenever she drops by. Thank you both.

My Blog is Unusual

Since I am singing my own praises tonight, I’ll go ahead and tell y’all about how ATM was linked by Readers and Writers Blog, a blog described as “a nonprofit website intended to give writers a place to publish their work at no cost and readers a chance to read that work and, if they choose, to comment on it. We also seek out well-written sites and post them on our blogroll” (emphasis added).

Now don’t go getting all excited for me. ATM wasn’t added to the blogroll, it was just linked because the blog author thought it was unusual:

By the way, one of the more unusual sites I found on the Bohemian road nurse’s blogroll was Addicted to Medblogs, whose author describes herself as “a bored attorney who spends too much time reading (medical blogs) at work.”

I certainly can’t argue with that. Thank you for the mention.

Blog That Made Me Laugh Out Loud At Work

To be honest, I never paid much attention to the pharmacist behind the counter, but now I feel kind of funny each time I walk by. I’ll warn you now, if you are sensitive or lack a sense of humor, avoid FastFoodPharmacy. It has become my “go to” medblog when I get tired of my own bitching and want to read someone else’s bitching. And I mean that in the nicest way.

Calendar Doc Update

I promise it will be up next week. I just haven't had time to work on it much lately.

As always, thank y'all for stopping by.

Note to JMB: I didn't delete this one on purpose. I tried to get technical and put those Rockin Blogger pics in the post but it came out all wrong. So you didn't really miss anything. I'm just not as good as you and Carver are at fancy picture posting.

Delay of Dr. August

Don't blame me for the delay this time. Dr. August had a sudden case of shyness during the photo shoot and refused to be photographed half nekked. We finally rounded up a pair of scrubs, and it turns out, Dr. August looks a whole lot cuter wearing the scrubs. I think y'all will agree with me when you see the picture.

Still Here

Still here, but working way too much. I did find time to stock up on some more lawyer jokes.

Yes, there will be a Dr. August, but not until the middle of the month. The hardest part about doing the calendar is getting the courage to send that first e-mail. I know, I know -- doctors don’t bite (although, sometimes I’m not too sure about those ER docs). And no, that’s not an official hint.

Crossing the Line (or you're not getting my Diet Coke)

Study: Diet soda linked to heart risks.

Dammit. You medical types have gone too far now. It took me years to develop a taste for those sweet, delicious, thirst-quenching chemicals. What am I supposed to do now? Drink water? Yeah, right, like that's really going to happen.

Why Are You Making Me Google Hair Apposition Technique? -- Part I

I’ve said it before, I am a comment reader. I read the comment section on every post on every medblog that I visit. There are some funny comments out there, e.g., Shadowfax explaining on Surgeonsblog why he isn’t a surgeon: “But somewhere around Hour 8, I realized that I just did not have the requisite attention span to do this type of thing. I actually caught myself thinking "Fuck it. Let's just close her up and see if she lives." And I knew that surgery was not going to be for me.”

But I’ve been a little disappointed and frustrated lately because y’all have left me hanging on a couple of medblogs. Not enough comments or discussion. I know, I should be grateful that y’all let a nosy layperson like me get a glimpse into your world. I understand you are busy. But you’ve spoiled me. And it's not like I became a medblog addict on my own. You lured me into your world and got me hooked.

Here is an example of what is causing my frustration. On her blog, Dr. Smak sent this question out:

. . . I got an ER report this week of a child with a scalp laceration that was repaired by braiding the hair over it to close the wound. Discharge instructions were "Remove braid in one week."

Is this legit? Is this a bladeless suturing technique that I'm too ignorant to know of? Or are they making this up?

Dr. Smak got two responses that said yes, this is legitimate technique known as hair apposition technique (“HAT”).

Okay, that might be enough for you medical types but I need more. There were no anecdotes or practical advice. There was no discussion on whether anyone actually does this. No one commented on whether this is a viable alternative to stitches or staples or glue. Would this mean you wouldn’t have to shave my head? Does it hurt more or less than the alternatives? What if you don’t braid but someone asked you to. Would you fix the rest of my hair to go with my new braided look? (I'm also curious about the "bladeless" thing, but I'll let that pass as something technical that I wouldn't understand.)

See what I mean? All of these unanswered questions. Y'all need to comment more on each other's blogs (okay, I realize that sounds funny coming from a notorious lurker, but I'm not medical so I have an excuse.) I know I'm asking a lot, but wouldn't you sleep better knowing that your readers got their medical information from you, rather than some quack they Googled up?

Also, when the doctors don't comment, I immediately wonder why and jump to the conclusion that there is some deep, dark reason behind it. Which brings me to Part II (to be posted later this week). I am wondering whether doctors chose not to respond to a question on a resident's blog because of the subject matter, or if they just didn't find it interesting.

(Yes, I realize y'all have lives and I need to get one too, but your medblogs are so informative and entertaining. Right now, my immediate goal is to fight the urge to go to Charity Doc's blog and leave a comment telling him to get off his lazy ass and start blogging again.)

July's Calendar Doc is Dr. Schwab

Dr. Schwab was the first person to read Addicted To Medblogs so he is special to me. But he scared me back then. He still scares me. I've read Dr. Schwab's book* and every single one of the posts on Surgeonsblog, but I still had difficulty coming up with interview questions. I finally threw these questions together and hoped that Dr. Schwab would make them entertaining. And he did.


Q1. What are your some of your favorite blogs to visit?

I'm more likely to be found reading political blogs than medical ones: Huffington Post, Andrew Sullivan, Crooks and Liars. Pharyngula, which still has the occasional really interesting biology/evolution post. Bunch of online newspapers, magazines. I'm a total political junkie, which is causing my ruin. There are lots of medical blogs I read, most of them less than daily; but regularly. I'd say my current blogroll is representative, if not comprehensive.

Q2. What is your favorite post from Surgeonsblog? Your least favorite post?

To answer that, I'd have to scroll through the whole list and do some thinking. If I liked convoluted thought and make-work I'd have been a lawyer... OK, I liked the series about deconstructing an operation, and the one post about the liver. One of the posts I did on anesthesiologists was pretty lame. Bad, actually.

Q3.  Have any of your patients asked you to pray with them before surgery?

Patients have asked me to pray. I've bowed my head and shut up.

Q4. Tell us your favorite dirty joke.

For decades in a little park in the middle of town, two statues stood across from each other: a male and a female in the classic style, barely clothed, beautiful. One day an angel appeared and spoke to them: "You've brought beauty and joy to the people for many years. Now I'll grant you life for four hours as a reward." As they felt their bodies become warm and pliant, they gazed at each other, stepped off their pedestals, moved eagerly across the square with years of pent-up desire pushing them forward; embraced, and disappeared into the underbrush, from which, for the next hours, were heard grunts and groans and the sounds of deep joy. Finally they emerged, spent, and happy, holding hands. The man looked at the woman and said, "I think we have a little more time. Want to do it again?" "Sure," the woman said. "But this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it.

Q5. Any tattoos or piercings?

Scars. A plate and six screws. No tats. I've thought about getting a heart on my shoulder, with the words "Your name here" or "wife."

Q6. This was asked in your comment section a while back, but you never posted a response. Care to answer it now?

“I have never had a doctor do a breast exam while erect. Does it matter? Is it something only surgeons do?”
Some of my patients are very beautiful. Oh, I see what you mean. It referred to the fact that I do breast exams while the woman is lying down, and also sitting up. "Erect and recumbent," is how I'd dictate it. Before you, no one thought it was dirty. But yeah: I think surgeons do better breast exams than other docs. And no, it's not hard. [Just so we're clear on this, I am not the one who asked that question in Dr. Schwab's comment section. But I have to admit I'm the Anonymous who left the comment saying that I thought it was one of the funniest things I had ever read.]
Q7. Sometimes when I read Surgeonsblog, you come across as “Dr. Nice Guy” with your patients. While I’m sure that’s true 99% of the time, I know there has to be a dark side to Dr. Schwab. Tell us about an incident where you regretted your behavior/attitude dealing with a patient.

I'm sure there are some but, at the risk of stretching credulity, they were rare and minor enough that I can't think of any. I'll freely admit, however, that I could be a complete asshole with nurses sometimes. I may have blogged about it, a little. I think I overly-freaked when anything was less than perfect, and at some level saw it as an accusation. The saving grace is that lots of nurses came to me or sent their families when they needed surgery. Still, I wish I'd had the wisdom of my later years in my earlier ones. I could be a jerk, all right.

Q8. You are a writer and a popular medblogger, you must have some groupies. Have you received any “interesting” e-mails? (umm, you know, from anyone else besides me?)

Funny: I went to med school hoping I'd get laid a lot with all those nurses around. I worked days on end at hospitals, meaning nights, too. Can't say it never happened; but not much. Nope, no groupies. Guess I'm not that attractive.

Q9. If you had to give a last minute dinner party for eight, what would be on the menu?

Judy, could you answer this one? No? OK. Last minute is tough. When we've done dinner parties, it's usually a big production: days of planning, going to the Pike Place Market to get fresh stuff. Fish. Maybe butterfly a leg of lamb and grill it. Bernaise. Stuffed artichokes. Fresh blackberry cobbler, vanilla ice cream. Got lots of really good wine at all times, though. If someone dropped in right now, it might be peanut butter, Costco rolls, and a nice Merryvale Profile, '99.

Q10. You and Dr. Dino haven’t been bickering lately. Have y’all called a truce?

Not that I know of. I don't think Dino comes around much anymore. I comment over there now and then. We're sort of alike, actually.

Q11. Did you discuss Flea’s medblog drama with your lawyer brother?

Flea didn't like my book very much. I think surgery is hard for pediatricians to grok. No, I didn't. Should have. He's into multi-billion dollar stuff, though. Heading into a possible 18 month trial, co-counsel with David Boice. He'd probably have said "huh."

Q12. Speaking of lawyers, do you treat them any differently than other patients?

Naw, and I try not to treat doctors/nurses differently, either. Joke about it, maybe, with lawyers. But I can rise above pity. I've had a couple mention, with meaning plastered all over their faces like the final shot in a porno movie, that they do med-mal. Like I'd be impressed or fall all over myself to be nice.

Q13. Ginger or MaryAnn?

Is that a literary reference? I'm a surgeon. I don't read stuff.

Q14. I’ve read that, occasionally, a patient will get amorous while under anesthesia. A “friend” wanted me to ask you this question. What if, right before a patient received her happy drugs, she was thinking about how hot Dr. Gastro looked in his scrubs. Would that have caused her to say/do anything that she might be a little embarrassed about later?

Yes.

Q15. And of course, what color scrubs do you wear?

Boxers.

*Blogger is being a bitch tonight and won't let me add links, but if you like Surgeonsblog, you'll really like Dr. Schwab's book Cutting Remarks.

Photo: Dr. Schwab at work.

Request and Calendar Boy Update

Would the person who found my blog by Googling “how do you write a dirty letter to a sexy man” please bcc me on the letter you end up sending to your sexy man. I can use some new ideas. Thank you.

Calendar boy will be here soon! Well, hopefully before August.

(And I promise, when this latest work project is over and I have more time, I will go back to my medblog addict posts. I will still be writing crap, just a different subject.)

This was way too funny to leave hidden in my comment section (that Dr. Schwab a/k/a reedur can be pretty funny sometimes):

reedur said...

Deer Sexy Man

A loyur told me how to rite this. I lik you a lot. Wen I see yu I'm like your so cool. Yu dont no me butt I hav a rilly gud bode and we cud get it on I hop.

[Offer not valid in Kentucky, some restrictions apply. The preceding should not be construed as an open invitation; offspring issuing from any liason shall be considered sole property of the party of the first part, but implicit financial obligations are not herein or furthermore waived. In case of inability to reach agreement, litigation rather than binding arbitration shall be the avenue of recourse.]

Christmas in July

I'll admit it. This is corny and a way to post without thinking up something new and original. But I really did love reading the responses to the Holiday Meme that went around at Christmas, so I am posting them again. Sadly, I had to remove almost half of the responses because the blog had either shut down or gone private. I would have never thought that Dr. Flea and Barbados Butterfly wouldn't be around in July. And I wasn't completely lazy when preparing this post, I did add a couple of responses that I missed the first time.

Dr. Rob
IslandMedStudent
Dr. Couz
Shadowfax
Dr. Dino
AmbivalentMSILF
Kim at Emergiblog
GruntDoc
Scalpel
Dr.A
Shinga
ThatMedSchoolGuy
Small Town Nurse
Dr. Wes
Stethoscopes and Diapers
Dr. Gwenn
Shrink Rap

Do I Feel Lucky?

Today is being touted as the luckiest day of the century. You're supposed to either get married or buy a lottery ticket. Guess which one I'm going to do.

Do You Really Need a Hint?

Dr. July has been selected. There are still a few unresolved issues regarding interview questions, but negotiations are progressing well and I expect to have the contract signed sometime next week.*


* There’s not really a contract, that’s just my way of saying it ain’t gonna be ready on July 1.

I know, I know. I haven’t posted July’s Calendar Boy yet. I have to work…I have mani/pedis to pay for. I can’t spend all my time looking at half nekkid men. And thanks for the offers to help, Amanda and DP, but I don’t want to impose. I will just suffer through it. I promise, I will work on Calendar Boy this weekend. (Celeste, I hope Santa brings you what you want for Christmas. And thank you! You’ve given me a great idea for a post—even better, it doesn’t require me to write anything new.)

Embarrassing Typo

I thought maybe if I confess this on my anonymous blog, I will get it out of my system and stop cringing every time I think about what I did.

Last night I brought a file home so I could work on a letter that needed to be faxed to the client first thing this morning. The letter that was faxed this morning to our single, extremely handsome Banker Client included the following sentence:

If the panties opposing removal do not respond in a timely manner, . . .

PARTIES. I meant PARTIES.

The “r” and the “n” are not even close to each other on the keyboard. How could I have typed panties? Aw, shit. My face is still red.

(sorry, I lost your comments when I took this post down the first time.)

One Last Shot at Being Bad

Okay, JMB thinks I should keep trying. MonkeyGirl suggests I write about pain. Doc’sGirl says I need to get in touch with my inner pervert. And PA, well, she is just a role model for bad.

So, here it goes. One last shot to get my ratings up.

While grilling the chicken breasts, BF burned his hand and was in great pain. And even though he is a manly man, when he doesn’t feel good, he can be a big pain in the ass. He needed painkillers. Damn! I had taken the last two Advil for my cramps. To avoid strangling BF and to get away from his whining, I volunteered to go to the ER and seek some painkillers for him. Being aware of my scrub fetish, and knowing I was a little likkered up from the sex on the beach, BF said he would seek his own drugs from the ER. Since it was just down the street, BF decided to walk. Twelve hours later, BF called me from the ER and told me I needed to come pick him up. It seems he was afraid to walk home alone because while he was waiting to see the ER doc, he kept hearing stories about some dudes with guns and knives who attacked innocent people who were just walking down the street, minding their own business. Being the kind, considerate GF that I am (and recognizing an opportunity to see men in scrubs), I put on my sluttiest outfit and went to pick up BF.

If at first you don't succeed. . .

Mingle² - Online Dating

I Want to be Dirty Too

I can’t stand it. It’s killing me that ATM is only rated PG. It’s torture. Everyone else's blogs are rated PG-13 and up. I'm tired of being the good girl. I can’t help it if the only time I write about BF is when I’m pissed at him. He may be an old fart trial attorney, but he can be sexy. For example, last night he cut up a chicken with a knife and then tossed the chicken on the grill shotgun style. The chicken breasts and thighs were awesome and he whipped up some ass-kicking BBQ sauce. You can't tell me that a man cooking dinner for a woman isn't sexy. Plus we had sex on the beach.** Twice!

Obviously, posting pictures of half-naked men and writing about butt-pus isn’t enough. I need to write more about body parts. But it’s not going to be easy. When I was writing my post on the positive Throckmorton sign, I couldn’t even bring myself to type the word penis. Instead I chose to link to an X-ray on MDOD and let them explain the implications of a left or right pointing penis.

I guess I can always re-publish the post that I took down last week—-you know, the one about me writing a sexy letter to our client about my PANTIES.



** Sex on the Beach
1 fluid ounce vodka
1/2 fluid ounce melon liqueur
1/2 fluid ounce raspberry flavored liqueur
1 1/2 fluid ounces pineapple juice
1 1/2 fluid ounces cranberry juice

Crap--I want my money back. All those penises and all I got was a lousy PG-13.

Mingle² - Online Dating

ATM is Rated PG

I saw this on Gruntdoc and immediately had to play. I was a little concerned about what my rating would be because I have been known to use the f-word on ATM every once in a while. Okay, I searched--I've used it five times on this blog. And really, one of those fucks belongs to 911 Doc.

Apparently, saying the f-word five times will only get you a PG rating. Whew! What a relief. Now I don't have to worry about losing the under 13 crowd. When you only have 15 readers, you tend to take these things seriously.

This little rating game comes from Mingle2. Anyone else wondering what Gruntdoc was doing on a 100% free online dating site?

Look Fast

Okay, look fast because ATM is rapidly falling.

This morning Addicted to Medblogs was listed as #120 on the list of "The World's Top Blogs on Health and Medicine". When I first saw it, I thought "WTF? They must be trying to sell me something."

After news of the List spread throughout the blogosphere, and the legit medblogs were added, ATM has dropped to #130 [130. Addicted to Medblogs 4 1 9 5 19] . I'll give it another 15 minutes and I'm pretty sure ATM will be off the List forever.

After the riff-raff like ATM is knocked off the List, it will probably be a good source for finding the popular medblogs. But I still think the best place for finding great medblogs is Kim's blogroll on Emergiblog. Big and popular blogs are nice, but those little out-of-the-way medblogs are pretty damn interesting. I love it when I accidently stumble on a great medblog that's kinda off the beaten path. My goal when I first started reading the medblogs was to visit each blog listed on Kim's blogroll. I'd still like to do it, but my job keeps getting in my way.

Oh well, for a few hours, ATM was #120. It was fun while it lasted.

June's Calendar Doc is . . . Trenchy

I thought it was only right that Trenchy should be the first Doctors of the Blogosphere calendar boy. After all, I did steal his idea after he closed his blog. Trenchdoc was one of my favorite medblogs. Trenchy could make me laugh, he could make me cry, he could make me want to knock him on his ass. I'm gonna miss Trenchdoc.

Here is Trenchy's Calendar Boy interview:

Q1. Is your blog gone for good and why did you take it down?

Yes, Trenchdoc is dead forever. We had been considering moving the blog to a different domain anyway, but “someone” complained (that the blog was offensive) to the Mecca administration. We believe it was because I indicated that poor white people tend to be drug seekers.

Q2. Do you plan on having another medblog?

Yes, another blog is in the works… but will be entirely different, something like the “Motley Fool” of medicine… the working titles are www.thebacondiet.com or maybe www.shrinkageisreal.com

Q3. What was your favorite post from Trenchdoc?

Hands down, “Red Velvet Cake”… that kind of crap only happens to people in the trenches.

Q4. What are your favorite blogs to visit?

Addicted to Medblogs, of course. I consider Gruntdoc the quintessential ER blogger and I read Charity Doc and Movin’ Meat nearly everyday. Panda Bear MD may be the best writer of any blog in any category, even better than several professional writers… stupid intern. (I know, he had to say ATM, but I'm leaving it in--Medblog Addict).

Q5. What is the craziest ER story that you never told on your blog?

I shouldn’t even go here… but I did an evaluation for sexual assault on a severely physically handicapped female who complained that she had only consented to sex in a certain area, but that her “friend” (that she met on the Internet) had performed the act in a different area. When I performed the exam, it took me 10 minutes and a 2nd opinion to determine one area from the other myself.

Q6. What color scrubs do you wear?

Navy, light blue and hospital blue-green… and I know you didn’t ask but I wear black underwear, socks and clogs.

Q7. Is there anything that we should know about you that would help us to better understand your writing, some have said they can never tell when you are serious?

The only time I am serious is when I get my ass handed to me. Like when I have to pull the plug on my flippin blog.

Q8. What would you do if you were not in medicine?

Throw away my Zantac… and pick up my duck call.

Q9. What do you do with your free time?

Eat Zantac… Oh and look at myself in the mirror… naked… although I have to be more careful about that since I got a new Lab pup (he’s a chewer).

Q10. What “lessons in life” have you learned being a doctor that others outside the profession may not know about?

That there is no black and white in medicine, nor in life… we are all good and evil and courageous and detestable (like hospital administrators) at any given time.

Q11. What is the best thing about authoring a medical blog?

I liked reading that others felt the same way I did about the sadness that is inevitable in our occupation… and the commentors who would e-mail topless pictures. I liked that A LOT!

Q12. Why did you start blogging, what gave you the idea?

Just a way to vent about the daily struggles in the ER, and what a way to meet chicks, I mean, it is just ridiculous.

Q13. Does threat of malpractice affect how you practice medicine? How?

Yes, I do not make a decision without considering the legal risk and I frequently must weigh my risk against doing what is right.

Q14. Everything in blog-dom is so anonymous, tell us something about you only your best friend would know.

I lied about the topless pics, but I really did almost have Seaspray talked into it.

Q15. Do you have a tattoo or piercing?

Yes, a Kappa Sigma on my left cheek. If I ever do an Iron-man triathlon I’d get that tattoo also.

Photo of Trenchy taken on a Carolina beach, exactly 500 feet away, just like the restraining order required. For a small fee, I will e-mail you a picture of the tat on his left cheek. What?...I just happen to be passing by that window when my finger accidently hit the button on my camera phone.

Real photo credit: Pacific Coast News

June's Blogging Doctor Calendar Boy – Hint

He once wrote:

“I would drive 500 miles for a duck . . . but I wouldn’t drive 50 miles for a relationship.”


Update – Sorry, due to unforeseen circumstances, I could not get to my computer yesterday to post June’s Calendar Boy. It will be up sometime early next week.

Video Wednesday - Monkey With A Death Wish

Don't worry. Everything turns out okay in the end.

Dammit Dr. Schwab

It sure as hell better be temporary!

Okay, to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say. I'm just saying that I hope you're not saying you are retiring Surgeonsblog.

Blog Uncovered in Legal Malpractice Case

From the Legal Briefs section of The Daily News:

Trial will begin next week in the legal malpractice action against non-prominent attorney Medblog Addict. Ms. Addict is accused of attorney negligence. The Plaintiff in the case, I. M. Hertz, alleges Ms. Addict missed several court dates and filing deadlines, and failed to return his phone calls. Colleagues say they became worried about Ms. Addict after watching her giggling, blushing and laughing out loud in Court. The Plaintiff alleges Ms. Addict routinely brought inappropriate material into the courtroom to read while waiting for her cases to be called.

Of particular interest in this case will be the effect that Ms. Addict’s blog has on the jury. A blog is a type of online diary. During her deposition, it was discovered that Ms. Addict maintained a blog called “Addicted to Medblogs”. The blog is now covered under a protective order of the Court and is no longer available for public view, but it’s been rumored that the blog contains a confession by Ms. Addict that she drilled peep holes in the walls of emergency rooms, operating rooms and doctors’ offices just so she could get a glimpse into the mysterious world of medicine, and perhaps find a few cheap thrills. (Just Google “Addicted to Medblogs”. You can’t hide anything nowadays. Every disgusting post is out there somewhere on the Internet. It appears Ms. Addict also has some kind of scrub fetish.--Editor)

Ms. Addict is acting as her own counsel. She was fired from her job at Dewey Cheatem & Howe after her blog was revealed. It seems Jr. Partner’s valedictorian son was kicked out of his prestigious prep school after school officials read Ms. Addict’s blog and discovered that Jr. Partner and Ms. Addict had been doing little JP Jr.’s homework for the past few years. When asked how the prestigious prep school learned of Ms. Addict’s blog, Senior Partner said that the school had received a copy in the mail from an "anonymous" concerned citizen. Coincidentally, Senior Partner’s son will graduate as class valedictorian from the prestigious prep school, now that JP Jr. has been expelled.

We tracked down Ms. Addict at her new place of employment and asked her if she thought representing herself in this case was a wise decision. Ms. Addict said, “Probably not, but geez, who can afford to pay some obnoxious bastard $500/hour just to push some papers around on his desk and make a few phone calls. You know, lawyers will bill you .2 hours just for leaving a message on your answering machine telling you they called. I got mani/pedi bills to pay, I can’t afford no stinking legal bills. Now, would you like fries with that burger? Hey, if you write something nice about me, I’ll throw in a free fried pie.”

Next week: Part II - The Trial

Calendar Boys

As most of you know, TrenchDoc would post a picture of the current month’s featured resident from the ER Residents of the Mecca calendar. When TrenchDoc bailed on us, he took his calendar boys with him. So I thought I would do my part and carry on the tradition of calendar boy doctors by posting a monthly photo from the Addicted to Medblogs’ Doctors of the Blogosphere calendar. Of course, since I have never seen any of the blogging doctors in person*, I get to use my imagination and post my vision of what each doctor looks like. And if you have any suggestions, let me know. June’s calendar boy will be posted on Friday, June 8, 2007. After that, look for a new Blogging Doctor calendar boy on the first of each month.

*Okay, I admit I do have a few pictures, but before posting them, I need to do a little research on the stalking laws in a couple of the southern states.