A Partridge for Nurse Ratched

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree.


On the first day of Christmas, your true love sent to you, a partridge in a pear tree! We want to know what your partridge looks like.

My partridge looks like David Cassidy. No, just kidding! I couldn't resist. According to Wikipedia, there are two types of partridge commonly found in North American as game birds. One is colorful and the other one is gray. The partridge in my pair tree would have bright feathers and would be a talker just like me. It would never shut up.

Q.1 When did you decide you wanted to be a nurse?

I guess I was around 4 years old. I come from a family of nurses. Imagine a room full of woman talking about the nursing profession. That was my life, and why I became a nurse.

Q.2 What’s the best part of your job? The worst?

Best part of the job: I get to see the best of humanity. Worst part about the job: I also get to see the worst of humanity.

Q.3 Did you have another career before you became a nurse?

No. I've been a nurse for 30 plus years.

Q.4 Is this really a true story?

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

I'm sure it's true. You wouldn't believe what happens behind hospital walls

Q.5 A lot of people get to my site after googling things like “hot nurses”. Y’all seem to have quite the reputation. Do patients ever hit on you?

Not now. I'm old and wrinkled, but guys use to hit on me all of the time when I was in my prime. It was funny. All I had to do was put on my nursing uniform and go shopping. I'd always come home with some guy's phone number in my pocket

Q.6 When did you first hear the expression “nurses eat their young”?

I first heard that expression when I was in nursing school. It's sad but true, some old nurses get off on beating up on young nurses. It's like a power trip. It's sick, and I confront people on their behavior when I see it going on.

Q.7 What’s the most useless thing you have ever bought?

A stove. I don't cook.

Q.8 If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

The power to read minds. I'm around some people that I just don't understand.

Q.9 Tell us about the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you on the job.

I can't remember. I've obviously repressed that memory.

Q.10 What food do you absolutely hate and will never eat?

Hundred Year Egg.

Q.11 What’s the name of one movie that you watch over and over?

The Devil Wears Prada

Q.12 For the most part, nurses and doctors don’t really bitch about each other in the medblogs. Is that because there is not that much to bitch about or are y’all just playing nice on your medblogs?

I think it's because we are all on the same page when it comes to wanting what is best for our patients. We can't deliver the best care because our health care system is broken.

Q.13 What do your co-workers do that really irritate you?

They don't advocate for themselves or for your patients.

Q.14 Tell me the craziest thing you have ever seen at one of those wild hospital Christmas parties I’m always hearing about.

I never go to Christmas parties. EVER!

Q. 15 Do you play a musical instrument?

Cello

Holiday Quickfire Questions.

Favorite…

a. reindeer: Dancer
b. cookie: Raisin
c. carol: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
d. holiday television show: Charlie Brown Christmas
e. activity: Sleeping through Christmas


Thank you for being my first day of Christmas! Mother Jones, RN

photo: That's Shirley Jones. Get it? Partridge. Mother Jones...

Sarah Palin Shoots Rudolph

This is so not funny, but that didn't stop me from watching it and laughing. Not for the kids. Or for the sensitive. Or for those easily offended or disgusted. But if you are hungover and have to go shopping and fight the crowds at the mall on a Saturday, then you might like it.

Story of the Calendar Docs

First, a programming note. The Twelve Days of Christmas series of interviews won’t start until December 14th.

In the meantime, here is the story of how the Calendar Doc series began back in June 2007.

Long ago and far away, there was a medblogger named TrenchDoc. TrenchDoc was an ER doc. Supposedly, the ED where TrenchDoc worked had a calendar made up of pictures of half-nekkid manly residents posed in compromising positions and/or funny outfits. Every once in a while, to the delight of his female readers, TrenchDoc would post one of these calendar pictures on his medblog.

Unfortunately, TrenchDoc, without any warning, had to shut down his medblog. Something about the CIA, an angry jealous husband, and/or a salad bar incident involving SeaSpray. You get the picture.

Seeing a legit opportunity to post pictures of half-nekkid men on my blog, I immediately stole the calendar idea from TrenchDoc before his blog was even cold. In all fairness, though, I did make TrenchDoc my first Calendar Doc. I added dinosaurs and women to the mix (although I’m still not sure what kind of pictures to post for them), and this month, the series will feature non-MD healthcare professionals. [if that’s not a correct way to say that, let me know.]

At one point, there was a little controversy surrounding the Calendar Doc series. It seems some people thought I was featuring too many ER docs. Now, seriously, can one ever have too many ER docs? Here's some Calendar Doc trivia. Scalpel's Calendar Doc picture gets the most hits from random strangers searching for pics of hot half-nekkid men. Only one doctor has failed to respond to my invitation to be a Calendar Doc. I like to think my e-mail got lost in his inbox.

The calendar series has been a lot of fun for me. I want to thank the past Calendar Docs, the special December calendar folks, and all of you readers who have encouraged me with your e-mails, comments, and visits. I also want to say a special thank you to KevinMD and GruntDoc for linking the calendar posts.

Y’all are going to enjoy the holiday series. The answers are great and very entertaining.

Hint for Dr. December

There will be no Dr. December. Instead, there will be a special Twelve Days of Christmas edition of the Calendar series, featuring nurses, a medstudent, a PA, a surgical type person, and someone who is going to explain to me exactly what she does.

You will learn intimate details of their lives, like who their favorite reindeer is, and what they are going to do with those crazy gifts they received from their true loves on Christmas.

The Twelve Days of Christmas series will start on December 12th.

P.S. I know my blogroll needs to be updated. Blogrolling has apparently gone kaput and I won’t be able to make the switch to Blogger until sometime after the New Year. So I apologize for not adding your medblogs to my blogroll, or updating the links.

Photo credit: Christmas

Holiday Meme Time

It's Christmas tradition time in the medblog world. GruntDoc has his STD's and I have my holiday memes. Well, really, I have your 2006 holiday memes. Kinda sad though, each year the list grows smaller. Let me know if I missed your holiday meme, past or present, and I'll add it to the list. I don't think the Big Book of Blogging requires that you officially be tagged, but if it does, consider yourself tagged. C'mon Seaspray, I know you wanna do it.

Dr. Couz
Shadowfax
Dr. Dino
AmbivalentMSILF
Kim at Emergiblog
GruntDoc
Scalpel
Dr.A
Dr. Wes
Stethoscopes and Diapers
Dr. Gwenn
Shrink Rap
IslandMedStudent

Santa's Health Records

Another celebrity patient’s confidentiality has been breached. This time it’s Santa Clause! The doctor's entire report can be found at malehealth.co.uk. Here’s an excerpt:

Comment:
Mr Claus is in remarkably good shape for a man of his age. (He already exceeds the life expectancy of the average European male by 1,651 years.) However, his large waist circumference and higher than recommended body mass make him vulnerable to heart disease and diabetes.

Recommendation:
He should eat fewer mince pies (200 calories each) and consume at least five portions of fresh fruit and vegetables a day.

Comment:
Mr Claus says he enjoys a glass of whisky in each house he visits. (There are over seven million households with children in Britain alone.) While he feels the alcohol could help reduce his risk of heart disease, I consider the consumption of several million units of alcohol in one night makes severe intoxication inevitable, an injury highly likely and death a serious possibility.

Recommendation:
The patient has been advised to have 'none for the road' and, even when not driving, to limit his intake to four units a day. Given his obvious alcohol dependency, this will be a struggle but counselling is available. Mr Claus may wish to drink Coca-Cola instead (after all, he is sponsored by the company) but he should be aware that each 330 ml can contains the equivalent of seven teaspoons of sugar.

Comment:
Having been a Catholic bishop, Mr Claus is understandably reluctant to discuss his sexual health. He also reports no urinary problems and, surprisingly for his age, may therefore be free of prostate trouble.

Recommendation:
I recommend a precautionary rectal examination and blood test for signs of prostate enlargement. In line with the clinic's policy to encourage safer sex, Mr Claus should be offered written information and a supply of condoms.


I'm not sure, but I think I scooped all of y'all medical types on this item. [And no, I wasn't searching for potential clients when I found it. I was doing research for my holiday series calendar.]

Dr. November is . . . Dr. Anonymous

That Dr. Anonymous is one busy guy. I tried keeping up with him on his blog, twitter, radio talk show, chat room and something called ustream. I’m exhausted! Dr. A is a great guy and I had a lot of fun doing my "research". Thank you Dr. A for being my Dr. November.

Here’s my interview with Dr. Anonymous:

Q.1 How long have you been involved in blogging and what got you started?

The 2004 Presidential election got me interested in blogging. But, it wasn't until late 2005, when I took off a week from work because of illness when I really started looking at blogs. It took me about 6 months before I got the courage up to start my own blog - and that was on June 19, 2006 with a five line post.

Q.2 Do you remember the first medblog you read?

Back at the end of 2005, I was looking in blogger and put the term "doctor" in the search. The first blog that popped up was "Fat Doctor," and that was the first blog I read.

Q.3 Who was your first celebrity crush?

In grade school, every afternoon between Bugs Bunny and the Super Friends cartoons, there was Gilligan's Island. Now, some guys had this thing for Mary Ann. But, for me, Ginger really tripped my trigger - if you know what I mean.

Q.4 How's the soccer team doing? (or how did they do? I don't know anything about soccer.)

Our season ended in late October. Even though our win/loss record could have been a little better, these are great kids and I always enjoy working with them, their parents, and the coaches. Definitely a way for me to give back to the community, and that's important to me.

Q.5 What's the most embarrassing CD or song you own?

Your younger readers may not be familiar, but recently I was going through some old stuff and found a bunch of cassette tapes. Remember the song "Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant? Yup, I owned that one. Explains a lot about me, huh?

Q.6 When did you first know you wanted to be a doctor?

Actually, I can blame my parents for this one. My father is a surgeon. And, he used to take me to the hospital sometimes and I hung out in the doctor's lounge. When I got older I cleaned his office and asked him about some of the instruments he was using and what was the importance of all those manila folders on his desk. So, my first impression of medicine was through my father.

Q.7 When they do the film about you, what actor should they hire to portray you?

It's kind of funny because before I plastered my real face on the blog, I was using pictures of Patrick Dempsey - because those were the early seasons of Grey's Anatomy - and those pics subsequently converted to views on my blog (thanks McDreamy for helping me out).

Q.8 Any body art? Tattoos? Piercings?

I definitely support all of these! Me? Any body art or tats? Nah, not since my plastic surgery. Piercings? I make sure I take them out when I go through airports :)

Q.9 Take us through a typical day of work for you.

The usual "go-to" answer is that there is no "typical day" for me. But, in general, wake up at 5am and check twitter. Log into the hospital system and check the labs of my patients who are admitted. Then check twitter. Go to the hospital and see my patients. Go to the office - check twitter - and see my patients in clinic. During the day, check twitter and try not go get behind in my paperwork. Generally get home past 7pm - Check twitter - Try to do some prep for The Doctor Anonymous internet radio Show. Check twitter - Sleep - Wake up - and do it all again.

Q.10 Do you ever wish you could go back to being an anonymous Dr. Anonymous?

At times I think about that. But, in talking with people over the past few months, like Kevin MD, to really gain more "credibility" in the medblog community eventually revealing the real name was inevitable. Of course, putting my voice and face on the blog was probably going a little overboard. But, I was never really the type of person to do something half way - all or nothing for me!

Q.11 Do you walk around the house naked?

Only when my webcam is on. Check out DoctorAnonymous.tv for details :) [you must have to pay extra for the nekkid channels, 'cause I didn't see nothin' ~ MA]

Q.12 What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?

Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, adult beverages. Was I only supposed to pick one?

Q.13 Tell us about your first day of medical school.

Definitely all a blur to me. The only thing I remember was going down to the anatomy lab for the first time. I remember the sights, the sounds, the smell of formaldehyde. One of the first rights of passage when you're a medical student.

Q.14 Whatever happened to Bloggers Anonymous?

Great question. Bloggers Anonymous was a little gimmick thing I thought of to try to get people to read my blog. Of course, being "Addicted To Medblogs" (hehe) is not a new concept. Within the first 10 days of the blog, I wrote something called Bloggers Anonymous. And, the idea became really popular among the people who were reading my blog at the time. And, the idea was that we would have these "meetings" hosted at different blogs. They would start with me saying/writing "Hi, I'm Dr. A. And, I'm a Blogaholic." And people would "bring" food and beverages to the "meetings." I didn't know it at the time, but it was my first attempt at trying to create and grow an online community.

The BA concept resurfaced during the infamous Dr. Flea episode. I posted something called Time To Be Proactive on May 16, 2007 in trying to get the medblog community together - if for anything else - to support each other - especially during that time when there were daily reports of medblogs being deleted and/or going private. I created a group blog called "I'm A Blogaholic" which was active for a few months until things relatively calmed down in the medical blogosphere.

Q.15 Where were you on September 11, 2001?

I completed my Family Medicine Residency in June 2001 and started my new job as a full fledged "real" doctor three months later. On September 11, 2001, I was at my office and heard from some patients that there was something going on in NYC. When I was able to take a little break in the morning, I went to our little break room to watch the TV. Live on television, I saw the 2nd plane go into the tower. At lunch time that day, I gave a medical talk to one of our local community organizations. Needless to say, we didn't talk much medicine for that hour.

Q.16 Who is the most famous person you have ever met?

We didn't sit down and have a beer or anything. But, I remember the first time I saw Tiger Woods in person at a golf tournament. He was actually in the same group as John Daly. These are two of my fave pro golfers. Quite a thrill for a golf hack like to me to see these guys swing a golf club.

Q.17 Will you draw a hand turkey and send it to me so I can post it with your interview?

Uh, I think I'll pass on that. I kind of see some kind of Rorschach analysis test on my "hand turkey" hehe [Rats! He caught me. I already had the "hand turkey" analyst all lined up. I wonder if I can get my deposit back? ~ MA]

Q.18 Reader submitted question (thanks Joanne!):

If you couldn't be a doctor, what would you be?

When I was growing up, I really wanted to be an astronaut. Now? Hmm. Probably an internet talk show host :)

Q.19 And, of course, what color scrubs?

Any color scrubs that make me look like Patrick Dempsey.

Q.20 Thanksgiving QuickFire Questions

Parade or Football? Football
Lunch or Dinner? Lunch
Breast or Drumstick? Both. If I had to pick one – Drumstick
Stuffing or Dressing? Stuffing
Pecan or Pumpkin? Neither. If it's not chocolate, it's nothing to me hehe
Turkey Sandwiches or Turkey Soup? I'm a sandwich type of guy

Photo: This is Dr. A tweeting. Dr. A thought he could confuse us by posting a pic of McDreamy on his blog, but we always knew he was really McSteamy. Looks just like Dr. A in his videos, doesn’t it?

Hint for Dr. November

Three words: New Media Medicine.

I'm not really sure what that means, but it sounds like him.

I was late getting my questions to Dr. November, so he might not make an appearance until December. Hey, I was sick.

There is going to be a very special holiday "Calendar" series in December. Stay tuned!

[And yes, it's going to actually appear in December.]

Twitter

I’m going to try this Twitter thing again. I set it up 93 days ago and have only updated it once. I tried to update when I was standing in a long line at Toys R Us, but by the time I figured out what I was supposed to be doing, it was already my time to check out.

Being a natural born lurker, I know I’m going to have trouble coming up with things to say, but I think I found something that is going to help me out. It says it's “Ideal for the imaginatively challenged”. That’s me.

KevinMD Scared Me

Okay, am I the only one who jumps every time that "sign up" screen pops up on KevinMD's website?

Right in the middle of reading one of Dr. Kevin's interesting little tidbits, that screen will appear out of nowhere and scare the crap out of me. Every. Single. Time.

Look! A Christmas cartoon. Remember last year when it looked like an elf exploded on my blog? I'm starting early this year. Maybe it's because I saw Santa at the grocery store today.

Rejected Post #5 -- Probably Only Funny to Me

[I think I am starting to grow out of my "fear of publishing" phase, so I'll have one final "Rejected Post" on Saturday. This has been kinda fun for me. I've never posted six times in one week. This post was rejected because it was stupid, personal and embarrassing.]

I've had a hellacious day. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. The morning started out a fucking nightmare and things got worse as the day wore on. I left work tonight with no self-confidence and zero self-esteem. I was pissed off at myself and the world. I knew swimming laps wasn’t going to be enough to work it off so I went running by myself after dark, secretly hoping I’d get attacked just so I could beat the living shit out of someone. That’s the kind of day it was.

I felt better after my run, the anger was gone but the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt still lingered. Even the thought of watching Project Runway wasn’t cheering me up.

Then I checked my Sitemeter stats, saw this, and smiled:

At least I didn't have to worry about this kind of thing while I was having my sucky day at work.

Rejected Post #4 - Yuck

[I just hated having this picture on my blog.]

RNPS PICTURES OF THE YEAR - A crocodile at a zoo in the southern Taiwan city of Kaohsiung holds the forearm of a zoo veterinarian in between its teeth, April 11, 2007. The crocodile bit off the arm of the zoo veterinarian treating it, an official reported. .REUTERS/Frank Lin (TAIWAN)

Okay, I admit it. I'm gullible; I believed the Richard Gere gerbil story.

This doesn't look like a real arm, but would Yahoo lie to me?

Rejected Post #3 - No Lawyer Porn

[I was starting to get bored with my “rejected post” series but now that I’ve decided to publish my really bad posts, it’s starting to get fun. This one is just plain silly.]


Look, I admit that in some ways, I just fell off the turnip truck. It wasn’t until I started my blog that I discovered there was a “medical” porn niche. And I only realized that after receiving my 50th hit for “doktors fuking nurses”. After posting “Porn in Med School”, I began getting daily hits from people googling “med porn” or “medical porn”.

That got me to thinking (and googling) -- there is no lawyer porn:

"medical porn"


"lawyer porn"

Oh, there's probably something out there where people are "fuking" in a courtroom, but let's face it, no one's going to create an entire website devoted to naughty lawyers. No one wants to make a movie about lawyers "fuking". Lawyers are boring. So that is why I read medblogs and not blawgs.

I guess maybe the above-referenced lawyer-cum-porn star isn't that boring(sorry, couldn’t resist).

[After I wrote the original post, I found this deposition. Lawyer porn. But wouldn't you know it, there's a doctor in the video. BTW, since this is lawyer porn, it's probably safe for work unless your turn the volume up REAL loud. Hell, it's lawyers, it's probably even safe for Grandma.]

Rejected Post #2 - A Tale of Two Secretaries

[I don't know. I just didn't like this post, so I never published it.]

In recognition of Administrative Professionals Week, I will tell you about two of the secretaries we have working here at the firm. Both have two children between the ages of 3 and 8. One is married, one is not.

The married secretary is out at least 5-6 times a month so she can take one or both of her kids, or her husband, to the doctor's office. Seriously, she has never put in a full 40 hour week since she started working here a little over a year ago.

Maybe 1-2 mornings per month, the single secretary will come in looking very tired, saying she was in the ER the night before with one or both of her kids. I hate to say this, but some visits don't sound like emergency visits to me. [One time she told us the ER nurse said her 3 year old son was constipated and to stop feeding him so much cheese. I laughed because I know I’ve read that more than once on the medblogs]. Single secretary is here everyday, usually 15 minutes early.

Guess which secretary we like the best?

Lost Post #1 - Just Another Deposition

[It's almost 9 minutes long, but the last few minutes are the most interesting. She gives an Oscar worthy performance. Keep watching after he attacks the videographer -- that's where the medical part comes in.]

My Blog Has Jumped the Shark

I think my blog has jumped the shark. That doesn’t mean I’m giving the blog up. It may be crappy but it's here to stay.

I can’t bring in a cute new neighbor kid, or blog from an exotic new location, so I've decided to publish “lost” episodes of my blog.

Quite a few of my posts (1) have never seen the light of day; or (2) were pulled after a few hours.

To try and get me out of whatever phase I’m going through, I’ve decided to clean out my Blogger closet and schedule for publishing, twelve of my deleted/never published posts. Some are stupid, some are personal, some I thought might be offensive, some I lost interest in before I finished, and some are just downright really really bad.

So, starting on Monday, the “lost” episodes of Addicted to Medblogs.

Thanks for Nothing

Thanks to the diabolical Dr. Dino, I discovered this game last night. Since then, I have learned that I am parallelogramly challenged AND I have no self-discipline (well, I kinda already knew that thing about the lack of self-discipline).

I keep telling myself, I’ll just play until I beat my latest score, then I won’t play again. It’s not even that great of a game. I’m going to play one more time, just to confirm it’s a stupid game, then I'm going to quit playing. Unless I get a bad score, then I’m going to play one more game, just so I won't be quitting on a low note. Yep. That’s the plan.

Vote

Actually, I voted last week. The official said they were processing 300 people per hour. I was out of there in a little less than two (2) hours. Not too bad.

Happy Halloween

I started buying Halloween candy in early September.

I'm pretty sure I've eaten a million of those little Reese’s peanut butter cups.

Photo by TD

I Love This

Halloween Toys & MySpace Layouts at pYzam.com

Just click on the differences.

Halloween 2008

New ER Medblog

There’s a new ER doc in town.

Here’s what I know so far. He’s funny. He wears blue scrubs. He’s kinda cute. And best of all – he invites you to ask him questions.

Got the anatomy of a gummi bear here.

I'm Moody

Really.

Even though the weekend is over, here's a new timekiller. This one asks you to choose what mood you are in, then it takes you to a website appropriate for your mood. I got taken here.

Okay, it's not the greatest timekiller, but it gave me the opportunity to post this baby picture, which was my real goal.

There won't be a Calendar Doc this month, but there will definitely be a Dr. November. Plus, there will be a special Twelve Days of Christmas calendar in December. I'm going to start working on it this week, so there's a good chance I will actually finish it by December. Yes, December 2008, smartasses.

Charity Doc's Back - Kinda

Ok, it's not a juicy knife wound story, but maybe this is a sign that Charity Doc misses us and will start blogging again.

Google Google Google

It's the weekend, so you know what that means. More timekillers!

Google 2001

Google says it’s their 10th anniversary, so to celebrate, they’ve brought back their oldest available index -- Google 2001.

Being the nosy curious person that I am, I googled GruntDoc and came up with this from January 2, 2001:

From: Allen Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, January 02, 2001 12:00 AM
To: EMED
Subject: [EMED-L] problem patients and solutions

All,

We have a "problem patient", and I'm looking to the list members who have dealt with this to enlighten me on moral, ethical, and preferably EMTALA-approved ways to deal with this patient. Basically, this patient is a homeless person with a serious alcohol problem. He's taken to using the ED as a Rescue Shelter, sleeping in the department until seen for his complaint (2 or 3 times a day); sack lunches from compassionate staff; and, as a kicker, sleeping on, or just across from, hospital grounds. When confronted that it's a 'no sleeping zone', he brilliantly says "I need to go to the ER", necessitating a trip back to us, and not going either away or to jail. Per our EMTALA gurus, anyone on "hospital grounds" can get a MSE by asking for one, and our MSE's are defined as a physician evaluation. He refuses the Shelter, as they have rules and kick out patrons who continue to drink, and he's not interested in sobriety.

. . .

So, those of you who have constructively dealt with this issue, how did you do it?

(reprinted with GruntDoc's permission, of course)

The funny/sad thing is, it seems like after eight years, nothing has changed; this e-mail looks like it was lifted straight from an October 2008 ER medblog.

Wayback Machine

Google 2001 was okay fun, but the Wayback Machine is more fun. They describe themselves as “a service that allows people to visit archived versions of Web sites. ... Imagine surfing circa 1999 and looking at all the Y2K hype, or revisiting an older version of your favorite Web site. The Internet Archive Wayback Machine can make all of this possible.”

For me, the Wayback Machine has been hit and miss, but I’ve found some old medblog posts that aren’t on the “regular” Internet anymore. So when I’m missing the good ole day of medblogs, when I could read an ER blog and ask myself, "how long does the blade of a knife have to be in order to puncture a lung and large airways?", I’ll go back and read some classic TrenchDoc. (This is where you'll see the original Calendar Docs. No, I didn't steal the idea, I'm borrowing it until TrenchDoc comes back.)

[Special note to Seaspray--I know you've had your hands full lately, so I put together some TrenchDoc links just for you. No Red Velvet Cake or Throckmortons, but you can read about Pride, Pirates, and Peetie. And there's more classic TrenchDoc here, here, here, and here.]

When I want a giggle, I’ll read what the doc at intueri has to say about penises. This isn’t available anymore on her blog, but you can find it on the Wayback Machine.

Mail Goggles

This is definitely something I need. I seem to always be e-mailing crap I wish I could take back. Google has come up with something called Mail Goggles.

Here’s what the Google guy says about Mail Goggles. “Sometimes I send messages I shouldn't send. Like the time I told that girl I had a crush on her over text message. Or the time I sent that late night email to my ex-girlfriend that we should get back together. Gmail can't always prevent you from sending messages you might later regret, but today we're launching a new Labs feature I wrote called Mail Goggles which may help."

"When you enable Mail Goggles, it will check that you're really sure you want to send that late night Friday email. And what better way to check than by making you solve a few simple math problems after you click send to verify you're in the right state of mind?”

The Google guy says Mail Goggles is only active late night on the weekend because that’s the time you're most likely to need it. I have to admit, that's when I do most of my drunken e-mailing.

Google Knows Everything

Finally, I don’t know about y’all, but Google kinda creeps me out. I know that the Google guy reads my e-mail and keeps track of my searches. I'll be e-mailing my sweetie about dinner and, suddenly, I'm getting ads for Kissing 101 and pizza. Google knows everything. If you don’t believe me, go here.

The Great Potato Chip Shortage of 2008

In the last month, I have gone through a gas shortage, a power shortage, a water shortage, a money shortage, and an ice shortage. I thought the worst was over, then tonight I saw this sign at the grocery store:

There is now a POTATO CHIP shortage.

All I can say is, there had better not be a chocolate shortage.

Unsolicited Advice to the New Medblogger Who Left a Comment on my Blog

Dear New Medblogger,

You haven't posted a lot on your new medblog, but it looks like you are off to a good beginning. May I give you some advice?

Now, this is only my opinion. I haven’t read any books on the subject, and I'm certainly no expert. You just seem like a nice guy who may be getting off on the wrong foot and I want to try to help.

I've noticed that you are going to various medblogs and leaving comments like "Hey, check out my new medblog." Maybe it's just me, and I'll admit I'm kinda cranky and sensitive, but I don't really appreciate comments like that. It smacks of bad blogging etiquette.

I know you are in a hurry to build a readership, but I don’t think leaving self-promoting comments on other people’s blogs is the best way to go about it. Here are a few alternatives you might like to try.

1. Find a post on a medblog that interests you, then leave a comment pertinent to that post. You can be an angel or an asshole, just make sure your comment is interesting, so people will want to check out your medblog. And be sure you are logged in, so people can click on your name and be instantly transported to your new medblog.

2. I think some of my 15 readers use my blogroll as a starting point on their daily journey through the medblogs. You need to try to get blogrolled by other medbloggers. Some people are sensitive about blogrolling so you need to tread lightly. I occasionally receive e-mails from doctors/nurses/medstudents introducing themselves and asking me to check out their medblogs. I love meeting these new medbloggers and will always add the legit medblogs to my blogroll. But I'm easy that way. You may need to earn a place on other people's blogrolls. Bribes of link exchanges are nice, but I don’t let that influence me (much).

Here's something you should check out. Dr. WhiteCoat has created a giant List of Medblogs and is inviting medbloggers to leave a link to their medblogs in his comments section. Note that he is "inviting" you to leave a link to your medblog in his comment section.

3. Comment, comment, comment (about the blogger’s post!). You need to get your name out there. Leave lots of comments and pretty soon, people will start visiting your blog, linking your posts, and adding you to their blogrolls.

4. Submit a post to Grand Rounds. That right there will get you some visitors.

There is a lot of good blogging advice out there, I just wanted to give you a few pointers to get you started.

Best of luck with your new medblog.

Medblog Addict

I Spent the Night With Ike

I don’t like Ike.

Power company workers are my new heroes.

Men love chainsaws.

Men with chainsaws are idiots.

Men with chainsaws on ladders are crazy idiots.

Maybe it’s all the medblogs I’ve read, but while I stood around watching the chainsaw festivities (with my cellphone hidden in my pocket, ready to call 911), I kept thinking:

I can put fingers and toes in the small Ziploc bags.

I can put hands in the gallon size bags. No, I think I’d need the 2 gallon bag because I’ll need room for some ice. Crap, I don’t want to use my precious ice for packing severed body parts. What’s the least amount of ice I can use and still save whatever they happen to cut off. Crap, no stores are going to have ice. I’d better not have to try to find more ice. If it happens while working on a neighbor’s house, then they ought to supply the ice. How can I be so selfish. I should be willing to share my ice to pack a neighbor’s severed body part. Crap, if more than one person has something cut off, will I have to use separate Ziploc bags for each person. If I can put all of the severed body parts in one Ziploc bag, then I wouldn’t need as much ice.

I’ll have to use a garbage bag if they cut off a leg. Crap, that would require a lot of ice.

Rebuild of the NY Skyline

I was so busy this morning before work, trying to get ready for our unwelcome houseguest "Ike", that I forgot I wanted to re-post my 2007 9/11 post.

Yes, Dammit. It's Another Quiz

I’ve decided the weekends here at ATM will be devoted to fun stuff, quizzes, timekillers, etc. I’ll save the, umm, substantive, well thought out, creative posts for weekdays. Yep, that probably means you won’t see anything posted during the week. But enough of that, here’s the latest quiz I took.

It looks like if I ever get stuck on the moon, my ass will be grass.

These are the instructions they give you:

Imagine you are returning to the base ship on the sunlit side of the moon after carrying out a 72-hour exploration trip. Your small spacecraft has crash-landed about 200 miles from the base ship. You need to reach the base ship. In addition to your spacesuit, you were able to salvage the items listed below. Using what you know about the moon, rate each item in the list according to how important it would be in getting you back to the base ship.

4 packages of food concentrate
20m nylon rope
1 portable heating unit
1 magnetic compass
1 box of matches
1 first-aid kit
2 50-kg tanks of oxygen
20 L of water
1 star chart
1 case of dehydrated milk

2 45-caliber pistols, loaded
1 solar-powered radio set
3 signal flares
1 large piece of insulating fabric
1 flashlight

On the results page, they explain how NASA would have prioritized these items. [And no, I don't believe everything I read on the Internet, but it's just a fun quiz, poophead.]


Here are my results.

32%

Your score: 32%
Letter Grade: F
You Failed!

Oh, so you think you could do better than a 32%, huh? Well, take your own quiz here.

[Okay, you probably will do better than me. I sorta didn't read that nice little scenario at the top until I cut and pasted it here so I could write this post. I guess this explains why I get told to RTFD a lot at work. I will say that I got the first two items right. And I identified the least useful item. It was just those 12 items in the middle that messed me up.]

I'm a Daydreamer?

You can tell when I've been wandering through the medblogs--I steal everyone else's stuff and post it on my blog. I found this over at DisappearingJohn's place. The last time I took a personality test, the results said I should become a lawyer. I'm not sure, but I think my results here are saying I'd rather daydream than be around people. Finally, an accurate quiz!

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NBPC - The Daydreamer

Nature, Background, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

I Created a New Drug

Dammit, if I'm smart enough to create a new drug, then why can't I figure out how to transfer a decent picture to my blog.

I stole this from Vijay. Go here if you want to create your own drug. If you create a drug for computer dummies like me, let me know.

Dr. August is . . . Kevin, MD

I once read where GruntDoc was the granddaddy of medblogs. If that’s true, then Kevin, MD is “Big Daddy”. I love Kevin’s blog. Here’s my daily medblog routine: Open bottle of Diet Coke, click on Kevin, MD and check out his links; then head to the Kevin, MD Feeds page. [umm, that used to be a lot easier when there was a link to the "Feeds" page on the Kevin, MD front page ~ hint, hint]

Here’s my interview with Kevin, MD:

Q.1 What was the last movie you saw?

Iron Man on a recent plane trip. Before that, I saw a camcorder version of The Dark Knight. Both were excellent films.

With a 3-year old at home, I don't go out to the movies much. Having to hire a babysitter makes going to the movies a pricey night. So, the movie *really* has to be worth it for me to go to the theater.

Q.2 If you were trapped on a deserted island, what three things would you need to survive?

Laptop, fresh sushi, clean underwear.

Q.3 Did you play any sports when you were growing up?

Table tennis, basketball, and volleyball. Does rotisserie baseball count?

Q.4 What is the best part of your job? The worst?

The best: Patients who do not take medical care for granted.

The worst: Politicians and administrators who make health policy decisions without truly appreciating or understanding the issues that physicians face.

Q.5 Oh no! Kim Kardashian cut her big toe. You're a doctor. Do you think this will hurt her chances on "Dancing With the Stars"?

If Heather Mills can dance on one leg, Kim Kardashian should have no problem. I'm going to go out on a limb and pick Toni Braxton as this year’s winner.

Q.6 When did you decide you wanted to be a doctor?

In high school. I went to one of those 7-year combined Bachelor's/MD programs in college, so my career course was set early on. Luckily I didn’t change my mind.

Q.7 You linked to this on your blog back in March 2005:

"Imagine you are the only doctor in a small, isolated northern community. You're single. The law says you're not allowed to have sex with your patients. Since everyone in the community is your patient, that means you're not allowed to have sex. Period."

So what advice do you have for this doctor?

Become a priest.

But seriously, that doctor is in a tough spot. I'd like to find out myself what to do in that situation. Is he his wife's physician?

Q.8 How did you meet your wife and what did y'all do on your first
date?

I met my wife in Boston, during my intern year of residency. I used to impress her by taking her to all the pharmaceutical-sponsored dinners at fancy restaurants. Needless to say, that was before the backlash against drug company gifts.

Our first date was at Starbucks. We had hot chocolate.

Q.9 When you first started blogging, you mentioned that you'd occasionally work a shift in the ER. Do you still do that?

Not anymore. As a resident, I used to moonlight more than I worked in residency. I learned just as much, if not more, during these shifts. Nothing gives a doctor more confidence than working without a net.

Looking back, I'm not sure how I managed all that moonlighting. There would be days at a time where I would be sleeping at various hospitals, doing overnight shifts. I wasn't home very often.

Now with a full-time primary care practice, raising a young family, and blogging, time doesn't allow it.

Q.10 Name one habit you have that annoys people.

People say I'm nitpicky - I prefer to call it detail-oriented. No matter how good things look, count on me to find the one thing that's wrong.

Q.11 I see this on the medblogs all the time, but I'm too lazy to look it up. What exactly is “evidence based medicine”?

Evidence-based medicine (EBM) attempts to apply results from scientific studies into the clinical world. This is as opposed to practicing medicine by gut reaction, intuition or instinct.

Not all doctors agree with the concept, since it regulates what physicians do to “cookbook” medicine. Policy wonks like the concept since it removes independent thought from clinical decisions, which makes it easier to reduce the amount of practice variability that is thought to be a cause of rising health care costs.

The problem with EBM is that it doesn't cover all the possible scenarios that doctors face on a regular basis. We're still a long way from medicine being totally evidence-based.

Q.12 Do you watch any reality shows on television?

Yes, because we only have one TV and my wife doesn't like the shows I watch. So, I'm well-versed in American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Q.13 What do you do in your spare time?

Aside from blogging and watching my daughter grow up?

I play table tennis competitively and travel around the country to participate in tournaments.

I'm also a highly ranked historical fantasy baseball player (at Imagine Sports.com), so I spend time researching and playing simulated historical baseball games.

Q.14 If you could have a super power, what would it be?

The ability not to need sleep. There’s too much to do, not enough time to do it.

Q.15 What was the best "thank you" that you ever received as a doctor?

A handwritten note by the daughter of a patient who passed away, thanking me for taking care of her mother during her last years. Very moving and reminded my why I became a doctor in the first place.

Q.16 And the usual "Calendar Doc" questions:

a. Any piercings or tattoos? No.
b. What color scrubs do you wear? Baby blue.

Q.17 Quickfire Questions:

a. Any pets? No.
b. Any kids? One, and another on the way. [Congratulations!]
c. Favorite junk food? Cheesy poofs.
d. Pet peeve? Tardiness.
e. Favorite song of all time? Let it be.

Q.18 New feature! Questions suggested by readers. These were submitted by Roxie.

a. What's your favorite candy bar?

Twix. Can't resist the cookie and caramel.

b. If you could go back in time for one day, what year would it be and why?

1999, the year I met my wife.

Thanks Kevin, MD for being my Dr. August!

Photo credit: Crap, I can't remember where I found it. I just know that when I saw him, I had to have him.

Kim's toe came from TMZ.

Hint for Dr. August

That is way too easy. I was late getting the questions to Dr. August, so it might be September before Dr. August appears. (Ok, I'm late again. So sue me. I can't help it if I work in a sweatshop.)

A Caffeine Quiz for Monday Morning

Go here if you want to take the quiz. Really, it's more of a test than a quiz.

Can't Write Crap

I am going through one of my semi-annual blogger identity crises, hence so many quizzes and timekillers. There will be a Dr. August, but more about that later this week. What? Whining about not being able to write and Dr. August are two different topics. I'm in a blogging dryspell, I'm not going to have one post covering two separate topics. See the Official Big Book of Blogging.

Okay, here's a lawyer joke for you, courtesy of Dr. Artemis. (Which reminds me, Dr. Artemis is one of the moms who blogs at Mothers in Medicine, one of my FAVORITE new blogs.)

While visiting Bejing for the Olympics, a man stumbled into a tiny curiosities shop in a quiet section of town. Looking around at the various items for sale, he spotted a brass statue of a rat. He picked it up and asked the owner of the shop "How much for the rat statue?"

The owner smiled mysteriously and replied, "5 dollars for the statue; 1,000 dollars for the story that goes with the statue." The man tossed $5 onto the counter. "Forget the story, I'll just take the statue." He walked out of the store with the statue under his arm.

As the man walked down the street, he noticed that a few rats seemed to be following him. He shrugged it off as a coincidence, and walked a short distance further. The rats that had been following him seemed closer and there were more of them, as well. The man started walking faster, but more and more rats began following him. Now rats were crawling down walls, coming out of sewers and even darting out of open doors to follow the man. Almost running, the man headed toward the harbor. Rats ran down gangplanks and crawled along ropes to join the crowd surrounding the man. Finally, in desperation, he flung the statue of the rat into the center of the harbor. All of the rats plunged as one into the harbor after the statue. The man was left alone in the center of a pier.

After a moment, the man turned around and retraced his steps back to the little shop. As he walked through the door, the owner smiled in recognition. "Ah, I see you have returned to my shop. Are you ready for the story?"

The man replied "Story, schmorey. Do you have any statues of lawyers?"

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Medblog Disasters - Sorry Dino and Scalpel

Dr. Dino's latest post begins:

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

This is the sound of a very angry dinosaur approaching.


This reminded me of another one of my timekillers: Netdisaster. I love this site. Here is a picture of Dino's post getting attacked by dinosaurs.

Go here for the animated version.

That Scalpel is always stirring up trouble when he writes about pain. I think the crazy angry commenters should consider a formal protest, maybe something like this. I think Scalpel would like it.

Thanks for the Medblogs

Before I discovered the medblogs, I purchased a few books written by surgeons, so now my recommendations from Amazon include “doctor” books. Amazon seems to think I would like the following books:

Now, I have no doubt I would enjoy all of these books. I read excerpts from each book and they were pretty good. However, I can read the same, if not better, stories for free on the medblogs. In case I haven't said it lately, thank you doctors and nurses for sharing your stories and allowing me to have a glimpse into your lives.

P.S. Trying to make some changes to my Blogger/Google accounts allowed some of y'all to get a glimpse into my life. Damn, I hate when that happens.

Vacation Note #2

Vacation Note #1

I’m trying out that new Blogger schedule your post in the future thing. So, if you’re reading this, it must work.

Grand Rounds News

Read all about it here.

A Going On Vacation Quiz

Your Nail Polish Color is Red

How you're unique: You have an incredible eye for style and art Why your style rocks: You are classic and classy - and that's hot! What this color says about you: "I'm smart, sassy, and sexy. And I know it."

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

I thought this quiz was appropriate because I am getting ready to go on vacation and a mani/pedi was at the top of my to-do list. They got the color right, at least for my toes, but I'm not sure about the other stuff.

"incredible eye for style and art" Nope. I wouldn't know good art or style if it jumped up and bit me on the butt.

"Classic, classy, and hot" Classic--if that means boring, then they probably got that one right. Classy--I just used the expression "jumped up and bit me on the butt" so that ought to rule out classy. Hot? We have 10 months of summer where I live. I'm always hot.

"Smart, sassy, and sexy" Well, I'm one of those, I'm just not gonna say which one.

This reminds me of another favorite video.

Later gators.

The DOJ and Doctor Depositions

Ok, I don't know what you doctors are up to, but someone at the DOJ is busy googling in preparation for the big depositions. I'm just wondering if they are going to follow the example set in the deposition they found on my blog:



Yes, I know this is the third time I've posted this video, but dammit, it's funny.

Cat

I am sitting here crying over the death of a cat I knew for only five days. It’s weird, I recently suffered a loss in my personal life and couldn’t cry over that, but I can cry over this cat.

Five days ago, a stray black and white cat walked into my life. He was just fur and bones, but I knew I could fatten him up. He was so lovable and I couldn't wait to start spoiling him.

We took him to the vet where everyone oooh’ed and ahhh’d over him and called him a handsome cat. I knew they were just being nice but it made me feel good anyway.

The vet said he was an old cat and had some health problems. The plan was to get him strong again, then just pamper him for the final years of his life.

He did okay the first few days, but it was clear he was suffering last night. Early this morning, we took him to the emergency clinic.

The vet was very nice and said all of the right things to make us feel good about our decision to end the handsome old cat’s suffering.

But it still hurts.

Accents

When I was taking this quiz, I thought there was no way this was going to be accurate. I just knew I was gonna sound like a Yankee (not that there's anything wrong with that, I guess).

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The South   That's a Southern accent you've got there. You may love it, you may hate it, you may swear you don't have it, but whatever the case, we can hear it.
The Midland
The Inland North
The West
The Northeast
Philadelphia
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Green Eggs and Ham - Legal Version

I ran across this and thought y'all might like seeing the lighter side of the law.

A prisoner was dissatisfied with the meals he was receiving in prison, so he did what any other red-blooded American does when he/she is wronged – he filed a lawsuit. Among other things, he requested that he not be served any more eggs:

Notice that he wants donuts and danish instead of eggs. In other pleadings, he stated eggs were bad for his health. In support of his motion, the prisoner submitted a hard-boiled egg to the Court. The judge wasn't too keen on having an egg kept as part of the official court records and wrote the following opinion:

Click on the pic to make it bigger so you can read it (I know, I suck at pictures).

I hate posting anything remotely legal because I feel like I have to provide some background, then it turns into this whole long post, then I get bored with it and figure you will too, so I just end up tossing everything into the computer equivalent of file 13. There's a whole lot more to this case, but this is all you are getting from me. If you want more facts, go here. The whole case is online. It's free and gets pretty entertaining at times. Warning, you may want to skip some items if you are offended by the use of the f-word in legal documents.